12/06/2013

There is so much going on around my head. SO much I need to do. Money, jobs, love, girls, work, god, life, living. there is nothing that seems to stick. I find myself sleeping to try and make all the thoughts just dissappear. even running doesn’t help my head anymore. I constantly find myself begging for something to just make all the questions go away. all the thoughts. Am I really going insane?!?! I’m twitching typing this, I’m shaking my leg at the curiosity of actually ending up having a break down. "You can’t have a breakdown" i Tell myself. yet with each passing sigh I just want to ball my eyes out. I miss love. I miss having money, I miss my sanity. I wouldn’t give up this body I have worked so hard to get for nearly anything. But ever since I started losing weight I feel like I’ve been forced to remind myself that I need someone to comfort me and tell me I’m doing all this for myself and not for Amanda. Why isn’t there anyone else that appreciates all the hard work I have done? I could honestly scream my lungs out and hope she heard how much pain she has put me in. I hope she chokes on her guilt, yet I know she feels nothing. IF anything she feels I am to blame, and hell maybe I am. These hands and heart are weak… weaker then I lead on and while everyone else is finding someone, loving someone, getting all this money their way, finishing school, I find myself walking three steps back in life. I’m a pawn. I’ve always been someones pawn. I get used. I’m just a glorified damn pawn. 

Punching walls does nothing but remind you that you can still feel physical pain. FYI broke my damn pinky last night.