deperessed… again

what makes a man desperate? is it the lack of intimacy, is it the past relationships? what shapes a man and his confidence? These are questions I keep asking myself. Are your going crazy? is there something that is just holding you from what you want in life? The will is there, but the mind won’t let you follow it. I’m not happy. I’ve been unhappy now for years. I have to tell myself daily not to send Amanda a big long message about how she ruined who I was. How everything I do is because of her. That any chance I ever had of being happy with someone else was ruined because of her ever glooming reminder that she was once my everything. My head hurts constantly from thinking about things, and thinking about things is the only way I can keep myself sane, yet I cannot keep this up because I ‘m wanting it all to end more and more… I’m in pain constantly, yet there is no pain to be found. How do you fix a broken heart that has no chance of being healed? I Try to put myself out there so that I might be able to "try" yet every time I end up putting 200% when I only get about 5% back. No one could ever love me as much as she did. and It hurts to think I am gonna end up alone for the rest of my life. Am I going to be one of those old miserable fools who is bitter about every passing family because he always wanted that. Hope has ruined my life.

I feel lied to about life. you can be anything you want to be in life. I want to be happy most of all. So here is myself "praying" to a god I don’t believe in… "Belief is a beautiful armor, which makes for a heavier sword"