Not allowed to be upset

Do you ever feel like you aren’t allowed to be the friend that has problems? between all my friends the only one who actually has asked me if I was okay with all this stuff going on in my life was Bruce from levels. I know Charle was here for me, but he was having troubles with Sarah, and what not. I just feel like lately I am the one who has to be the strongest. Sometimes it is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. I’m not okay… This mask of positivity will only last so long. I feel the cloud of hate moving in day by day. I miss Amanda. I miss knowing her. I feel terrible, because my actions are always geared towards her. I don’t understand how I became this shell of a man. Someone is going to find out that I’m not happy, and they are going to feed on it. I beg each day to make this positivity real.

I had to work tonight as Megan’s insider. I feel like she loved being above me, and frankly I’m okay with it. My days there are coming to an end. I smiled after I typed that and it makes me feel good knowing that I honestly want to better myself. I HATE being this miserable fool on here. Sometimes I have to read my diary title of " because no one else listens" and I remember why I got one of these. It makes me sane, It helps me clear my head. I have to keep reminding myself of that. So I’m sorry to myself. I need to stop feeling bad for myself.

Lord help me I’m weird.