03/28/2013

pulling away… That is what has been happening more and more in my life. I feel like I’m losing direction again. I constantly have to tell myself to keep my head up. There isn’t anyone waking me up in the morning telling me to do the things I do. It’s myself. I feel like I am making all the wrong choices again. That word again is killing me. I told myself I wouldn’t put myself in situations that made me feel this way again.

Lindsay told me this morning that she "might" want to have some time to her self. That she feels terrible for it, but she feels like we lost our spark. That we rushed into our relationship, and all I think about is sex. That I show her too much affection, and I put her on a podium that is higher than myself.

I feel my heart fill up with hate once again. The fire that was slowly fading seems to be stoking up more and more. I feel like I am going to explode with emotions. I cried on the way to levels today, and I cried on the way home. I’m crying while I type this too. Something about crying makes me feel less of a man. MAkes me feel like I am weak. Like there really is something wrong with me. Like there is something so deep inside of me that wants this to work, yet now that it is falling away I just want to shell up and dissapear. I’m tired of running. I am tired of not facing my problems. I’m tired of people judging me by how much I care. I ‘m tired of everyone else getting the breaks. I’m tired of it all. I’m sick to my stomach with all these people telling me to keep my head up. You don’t know the hurt I feel each day I go without being able to show someone how much you love them because they live in another town, or every day you go to work and feel like everyone is talking about you behind your back. That every move you make is watched by everyone. Every mistake you make costs you a little more of yourself. I don’t feel like a human, I feel like a rat in a cage. once I start to get everything in order, someone comes and shakes the cage.

I have said this before, and I will say it again and until the day I die. I only wanted to be happy. I only gave up everything with Amanda to be with her. I gave up the one person who I thought was my world for her. Now Everything turns to nothing, and i’m left alone and hurt once again. Fuck being invincible, there is no such thing. We all will get put in our place once or twice in our lives because we all seem to try and let someone in our lives.

I can’t help but feel vulnerable once again. Happiness is something that seems to come and go. I can’t be happy alone because I don’t love myself. I hate everything I have, and do to myself.

I don’t want to go to work. I just want to sit here and cry myself to sleep, and never wake up again.