10/10/2012

New profile picture, not that it really matters.

So Much seems to happen in my life where i find myself getting all upset and miserable about things. Why do I have to be so damn gloomy? No wonder women don’t like me. I haven’t missed a day at the gym now in over 3 weeks. All lifting, All heavy. My Arms have grown 3 1/2 inches since I started the German Volume workout. I’m down 112 lbs, working on abs now. All I do is workout anymore. I feel myself constantly wishing the Gym was open 24 hours so that I could occupy my time better.

A buddy of mine took me to this girl he likes volly ball game today. I found all these women looking at me, but not acting on it. I guess in my head I think I look better, yet I don’t feel it. No one really seems to give me a chance anymore. I feel so damn alone anymore. It’s like I reach out, and no one seems to even attempt to grab my hand. Miserable is the best word to describe my feelings like this. I’ve thought about suicide again… I know that is a horrible thing, and No one would ever accept the fact that loneliness isnt a valid reason to ever think about doing that. I’ve been using the gym and workouts to help keep my head in good places. Sadly, it hasn’t worked out all that much.
 

Every song I hear, Every car that looked like hers. I swear I cannot go one damn day without feeling like shit because I miss her. I found myself looking through all my old entries, about how happy I was at one point when she let me back into her life there for a little. How everything seemed soooo much easier. I looked at the positive WAY before I looked at the negative. Well here is a little update on our situation. We are damn near done forever. I pissed her off because I accused her that she was talking to someone else ( I know she is ) and she took offense to it. So she sent me this long text about how pissed off she was at me that I would think that, even though I know that Adam Miller guy is talking to her. He is just using her, and once he gets in her pants again, she will be kicked to the curb… AGAIN. Sometimes I don’t know why I love that girl so much… But then other times I am reminded. She made me smile in a period of my life where I thought I was going to die the next day. She kept my head up when I wanted nothing more then to put it towards the ground. She was my drug keeping me high. I know all this is lame and sensitive, but I am a DAMN sensitive guy. What do you do when your dreams cheat on you? I’ve been dreaming lately that Amanda and I are back together, and she is cheating on me. Constantly. I’ve also been dreaming that my new neighbor and I are dating. It’s the weirdest thing really. I just lately have felt that she has and will be completly moved on from me. I guess that is what makes it hurt the most right? No one wants to be the last thought of someone. I just know now she doesn’t smile because of me, and that hurts me so damn bad.

On that note… I do have a new neighbor who moved into my old apartment, and I have moved to the bigger apartment next to my old one. She is this pretty little model, and she kind of has a wild side. She really is beautiful, and out of my leauge… but who can’t crush on someone right?  Wish it actually ment something though.

A mind is a terrible thing to waste, yet when all you think about is lonely thoughts, where is that breaking point?