08/11/2012

I’ve neglected this long enough. I have hidden how terrible things have been getting. I neglect my friends on here, who ALWAYS seem to comment with words of encouragement, and advise on what I need to do with myself. For that I am sorry. I Find myself feeling like more of a piece of shit every day. People don’t play fair. And I am a prime example of that.

Amanda and I were trying to make things work in what little possible way they could. I was trying to see her as much as I could. Money got tight again, and it caused me to have to stop. She thinks It was because I stopped caring. The truth is I feel like we will never work. I deep down want it too, yet I don’t see it. So I find myself searching for happiness in other women. Sure I think about sex, but the thing is I don’t try to. I want someone who isn’t all about it. Anyway. My college screwed up my finacial aid for this semester. So I have to wait ANOTHER semester. Amanda thinks I am lying about this. I had all my books paid for on my credit card. I wasn’t lying.

If Amanda stopped talking to me for the rest of my life right now. He last words would be "Man up". I may not be a strong man mentally, but thats because of the people who put me here. I fought my way out for awhile. but I feel like I dug myself a new grave.

I’ve been trying to talk to this girl. Something about her makes me smile. So I did a bad thing. I threw a party at my best friends while he was away at his military thing. I bought alcohol for 5 underage minors. I wasn’t planning to make any moves on her. ( yes this girl is underage she is 18) She is a red head. She has a smile that could choke the breath out of you anyday. yet she is moving away in two days. So last night we had a decent time with her and her friends ( my friends too ) played some drinking games, laughed, lived a little. She collects Mike’s Hard lemonade caps. I don’t know why, but I have always kept all my beer caps. So I got her all mine that I had. and gave it to her. She liked it, but nothing came out of it. So last night when everyone went to bed, I took all the new caps from the night, and grabbed a sharpie. I wrong my number one by one on 7 caps. then I wrote call me, on 6 other caps. (inside) I felt so confident and cool about it. Then this morning when I woke up, all the caps were still there, and she was gone. with my hopes… I don’t know why I do this to myself. I constantly throw myself to someone. I give them all the power to crush me. Is it so much to ask for someone like her to love me? Someone like amanda. I can’t make anyone love me. but why does everyone else get the satisfaction of all that. There is no hope for me anymore in this world. I think I am getting closer again to just giving up on everything.

I may be emotional, too emotional, freakishly emotional. But it is who I am. I don’t have anyone to give me that confidence in myself anymore. It would be so easy… I’m looking at the answer right now. one pull.