07/03/2012

Life is like picking up a penny on tails. no matter how many you pick up and think its adding up, the bad luck you get from it always takes over and makes you lose so much more then you gained.

A lot of highs and a lot of lows since i have last posted on here.

Lets start with a quick, and by quick I mean VERY brief table of contents.
1. My situation with Amanda
2. Girl #1 from levels
3. Girl #2 from levels

1. Things have been very different and distracting for me anymore with her. She and I were getting along for awhile. I started to see her more and more. Then I realized how broke I was from driving all the time to see her. Then on top of that all the times that I have to take her out and treat her to dinner, and drinks and blah blah. I can’t live that kind of life on the salary I make at good ole dominos. I think she knows this, and uses this against me. She wants someone who can provide all that stuff for her, even though she knows I cannot. Then when I cannot come and see her as much as I would have liked to, then She will hold that over my head. The guilt I feel with her is so immense it is numbing.

2. Now awhile back I posted a thing about a girl I kinda liked from levels. Lemme just say, That this girl is done and gone. She talked to me maybe for 5 days. Then I found out she had a boyfriend. Someone I knew from a long time ago actually. They have been dating for a long LONG time. Just kinda makes me feel weird being that guy really. I don’t really care that nothing came of this, she is the kind of girl who wants everyone to look all at her, and won’t be honest with anyone.

3. Well there has been another girl that I kinda talked to for awhile. until tonight of course. Story goes:
I was working out one saturday morning with Mary. There was this girl that came in with this lady that I was friends with on facebook who I had met at the gym *now this girl is older then me of course* and this girl had a VERY beautiful smile. It was the first thing I had noticed. The whole time I was working out I would glance at her just to see if I could see her smile. I got home and about 2 days later I had a friend request from her. Never thought anything of it. Liked a few of her posts, and a few of her pictures. Finally I sent her a message of Facebook about how I didn’t really know her and that I wanted to change that. Turns out she was only 17, but literally the next day turned 18. I felt a little better about the situation. We talked a few days on facebook. Then we asked each other for our numbers. We texted for almost 3 weeks. All day, Every day. I even went as far as showing a picture of her to my mother. All our chats were great. We always told each other how great it was to talk to each other. I started to fall for her really. Then today happened. I got a message from her telling me that her parents didn’t approve of her talking to someone who was 7 years older then her. and that since she lived in their house they forbid her to talk to me. I never felt like more of a piece of shit. People never give me the benifit of the doubt. I never wanted to hurt this girl,and I honestly didn’t have bad intentions with her. Sure sometimes our flirting got a little naughty, but it was harmless flirting. I honestly feel sad and hurt that I can’t talk to her anymore. she was so down to earth and cool with everything. I guess sometimes we don’t realize how great someone 7 years younger then us can be. So much for being happy with someone I guess.
 

The more I think about Amanda and I I really think that I wasn’t ment to be happy with her. I spent so many years of my life trying to win her back. All the countless entries about how upset I was that she wasn’t part of my life, and then now look at me. I am almost begging for someone to come into my life and make me happy. Belief is a beautiful armour, that makes for the heaviest sword I like to say. We all let our emotions weigh us down. When if we just got rid of our protection, and our weapons we could get ahead of the fight and find what we are looking for, without all the bullshit inbetween. I am ready for my real life to begin that is for sure.

I’m drinking a lot more lately, and the weight loss is still good by the way. Work out at least 5 days a week. So that Is one thing going for me still I think.