03/25/2012

nearly 60lbs lost now. with every pound lost, comes great rewards… yet also i seem to recieve many more heartaches. Sure i’m looking better, sure i am feeling better. I still feel lost and depressed though. Behind all the smiles, and all the laughs I’m feeling the terrible clench of loneliness once again. I might have had false hopes that once Amanda seen how hard i was working on bettering my life, and making things happen finally. That she might just want me back, or at least want to start things over. I’ve been reminded that it seems to be a false hope anymore this day. Time apart from her only makes me want her more…. I miss the sweet smell of her hair, or the soft touch of her lips on mine. how smooth her legs ALWAYS were. her giggle, but most of all the way she cared for me. How she would make me feel loved no matter what. Now i have none of this.

I look out my window here at my desk a lot. Just looking at what this town has deteriated down to is terrifying. There is nothing left for me in this town. There is nothing I can do to stay and be happy here. Therefore i have to figure something out… School is the only reason i will have to stay where i am. I sure hope i figure out this student loan thing.

Levels has been amazing so far. The owner is truly an amazing person who cares about anyone who walks thru that door. I never worry about him making me do something i cannot do because each day i find out i can do more then i remembered. You don’t lose weight enless you actually stick to a healthy diet, and a healthy work out schedual. All of which i have been doing extremely well with. Here is to hoping i stick to this, and i might just be able to swim sometime this summer without the fear of people staring at me.

I have no one really to talk to anymore, because amanda doesn’t want me to message her about "stupid shit" as she so clearly told me. this is the hardest thing i have ever had to do in my life. I’ve never had this much sadness since my parents got divorced. God i miss her…