03/10/2012

Today marked the 50lb’s lost for me so far. I smiled a lot today at levels, and in all honesty it felt great. So why am i still feeling like something is missing? I have been doing very well with my depression, and loneliness. However, Tonight i just can’t help but feel like there is nothing good to come out of all this weight loss. Sure i will be healthy, and possibly attractive. What i really want is her back. I thought all of this would make her see how much she means to me. To get you up to speed, we kind of had a good moment last week. I talked to her rationally, because my new anti depressants were actually working quite well. She told me about the new guy actually using her. I never told her I told you so. I wanted to sooooo bad because i knew i was going to be right. Sadly i didn’t want her to hurt. And i knew this did. She talked to me about how upset she was about it. And how she still doesn’t want to date me. I totally understand where she is coming from because she deosn’t want to take me back right away. I just hate to see her hurt. The last text i got from her was this:
"I will always love you and nothing will ever change that…. I just don’t know if it is healthy for us to be together or right because we have lots of issues together… you have a good day too. "

Just to see her send me something like that made me feel slightly better. However not getting a response today kinda makes me doubt a few things :/
I understand that she wants change, but what can i do anymore to prove to her how serious i am about her? well I’m trying not to dwell on anything, and it just makes me more upset. And like i have said i have been doing so well with the missing her. Hell she is on spring break, and i have no idea where she is for it. I texted her today and said i hope she is having a good spring break. Of course no response.

Levels has been going great, and i love it there. The owner is very personable and will give you a lot of help and motivation if needed. Each time i go there i tell him he can’t get me a work out that would be any harder. Yet he finds one each time.

I hate days off from work because i always get down on things. Even with the anti depressants, I still find myself wondering what to do with myself. Wondering will i ever be with someone who loves me. I guess that is too much to ask for anymore with this damn world. Well i have to be up in 6 hours for my hard saturday workout.