02/15/2012

I talked to my mother today, All i wanted to do was ask her if i could store some boxes in my old closet in the basement. It turned up being a conversation about Amanda. About how she didn’t even aknowledge the fact that I sent her flowers till I asked. Mom told me i need to stop being a stalker. Is that really how i am coming off? How come in movies the guy who never gives up comes off as some hero. Why do women say they want a guy to fight for them, show them how much they care? Why am i left with all this guilt? 

Everyone is telling me to "move on" or "get over her". I don’t understand how or why I could ever do this. There is no one around this horrid town i could even like, that is remotely attracted to me. This is what i think I am going to do. I think i am going to write Amanda a handwritten note. I just have a lot i need to get off my chest. She hates reading long texts, but i know she loves getting mail. So if i just tell her how hard this will be on me. that i will have to try and give her space. So that she can just experience this new guy. ( yuck ) and just try to be happy. As hard as that sounds to me… I just don’t know what to do anymore.

I had an elaborate idea that involved sending her slide shows like once a month that would eventually run together. They would tell the story of us, and how we ended up together back in the day. She is a very emotional women when it comes to us back in the day. She also loves music she can connect to. So i was thinking of playing one song a month with the few pictures. you know… now that i type this out, it sounds like a lame and terrible idea. Ugh…. I just wanna die sometimes. I hate being a helpless romantic. Maybe i just need to become a ass hole or something.