Through all you’ve done I deserve some peace..Now I’m on my knees
First off.. WOW..
This weekend has absolutely sucked. It has been so gloomy, rainy and windy and I can’t stand it. It has ultimately turned me into a fucking sloth.
The gym decided to send out an email on Friday at 6 PM telling everyone that they were closing at 8 PM until further notice… for what… RAIN?! And thank you for the 2 hour heads up! Really appreciate that shit bro! So that kind of just set the mood for the entire weekend. Got an email today saying that they would re-open at noon.. ON THE WORST DAY of the hurricane here… At this point I have just thrown the towel in on working out this weekend.
Now I am sitting here multi-tasking.. or doing the best that a person with un-treatable ADD can do with multitasking. It is a real struggle to sit down and type these entries out. I always get distracted by other things going on around me.. so they take longer to write.. But I am so determined.
Sitting here watching the Steelers try to throw this game away.. Sometimes I am so ashamed to admit that I grew up near Pittsburgh.
I did this stupid online quiz thing last night.. I guess there are 7 different types of ADD.. I was curious as to what mine was.. Turns out I exhibit behaviors from 4 of those 7 types. Fantastic haha. I guess being aware of them though should help me in some sort of way. But at the same time, I can’t usually formulate thoughts on my own awareness long enough to work through anything. I have feelings.. emotions and I feel them.. I just can’t ever sort them out.. or work on them… If that makes any sense.
D was apparently drinking the other night. He was texting me A TON. Probably the most he has ever spoke to me .. even in our 4 year relationship. I tried to savor it.. although it was all about him. Naturally. He is finally seeing the things that I preached to him until I was blue in the face and considered a crazy bitch while we were together. But he will never say that now that he is figuring these things out we should try to get back together. Nope. He is just so proud of himself for changing and proud of himself for opening up. At some point I told him that I was preparing for tomorrow.. he said for what reason? And I said because I know he will just go back to being the same mean D as I am used to. But he promised me up and down that it wouldn’t happen and that we were so close now… But the next day came and guess what? I was right back to reading one word answers. And honestly, I just told him that his promise didn’t last long as usual and I just left it go. He texted me back.. but I have just chose not to respond or even check up on him. He is heading to Maryland for vacation. Must be nice.. He and I ever only went on vacation once, and it was with his friends.
I hope he is happy with his choices.
I know it must be harder to figure out your feelings and emotions having ADD, but I hope you’re able to do so. You were right not to respond to him. All the best to you.
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It is definitely difficult to figure out those emotions and feelings with ADD. Now add bipolar to it and stir. LOL tada! You’re me! Eh, I’ve gotten good at naming my feelings, and I do feel them though some say I feel them too much. I am FAR too sensitive for my own good. I say f–em if they think so. I can feel what I feel and don’t need either their permission or their censure. Neither do you, honey girl.
He sounds like he might be really immature and not comfortable or confident in who he is, or he’s just being a typical guy. In the beginning we get their best – or at least I’ve found that to be true. In the middle we start getting long glimpses of who they really are, and of course by the end (or the longest part of your togetherness) you really see who they are. I’ve learned that the first time someone shoes you who they are… their real selves.. .believe them. It’s unlikely they will ever change.
@caria Thank you for your note! Sorry it took me so long to respond. I have just been extremely busy lately. Yeah, He burned his last bridge with me this weekend so I am just letting it go completely.
I am so happy that you allow yourself to feel your emotions (all of them) without censoring them for people. I find that the more you try to hide or numb out feelings the worse you feel. I recently stopped taking my anti depressants (I weaned off of them) And while yes the anxiety attacks have returned here and there… and little things that hurt my feelings make me cry.. sometimes like a baby.. I still feel better in some sort of way. I think my body was just crying out for help when I couldn’t grieve.. When I tried to hide or self medicate myself into numbness.
I hope you are well *hugs*
@bru8282 I’m actually doing okay today, and not just the okay that everyone else gets because you’re looking for something else to say other than, “I’m fine.” I’m always “fine.” People who really know me know when I say that, it’s time to pull me aside and find out what’s really goon. It’s like an intervention. I know their intentions are good, but I don’t always want to get into it, you know? Even with my closest friend.l.. when I had a friend.
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