Eating *Vs* Purging

In my last entry, I mentioned something about not leaving my room, aka my cave. I’ve left it twice now…both to use the bathroom. I’m living off a bottle of water and my entertainment is my TV, Booger, and my computer. I feel pathetic. I feel desparate. I feel weak. I feel single and stupid right now.

It is 6 o’clock right now. I have been up for about 5 hours and 15 minutes. I have eaten nothing. Am I hungry? No, not really. Do I want to eat? Yes, kinda. Food is my comfort blanket after I’ve had a hard night or after something’s happened that has hurt my feelings. For me not to eat right now is almost scary!! I feel like I should be eating. I should curl up into my bed with a bowl of ice cream and throw myself a pity party becuz my boyfriend decided to  "take a break"  from me. If I was to eat as this moment I know what I’d do….I’d purge. I’d eat to feel better and then throw up to feel even more better knowing I didn’t let his decision make me gain weight and get fat(or fatter).

My head and my heart is craving to hear his voice!! I need to see him, but I’d settle on just listening to him. I know I’ve spooked him a lot about talking about getting married and having kids. I look at engagement rings alot and like I said I think that just sppoked him out. Last night I told him I’d quit. I didn’t mean for it to go this far and it wouldn’t happen again. I just know I can see myself with him years from now, which is an awesome thing to feel.

Maybe he’ll call me later tonight and tell me goodnight. *smiles* Maybe he’ll call me tomorrow amd ask me to take him some lunch. If that happened I’d be confused on what to do. Last night he told me he wouldn’t call me during the week and ask me that….but if he did what should I do? He’d almost be using me to get lunch, but then again he could be testing me to see if I’d really put myself through anything for him.

Being the nice, loving, caring girlfriend (even if we are separated I’m still his girlfriend till he breaks up with me), I’d take him lunch.

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I love you Roger!