Nothing But Tears

So finally, my diary name truely describes me tonight!! How come  "separating"  hurts worse than most breaks-ups? I guess I’ve screwed up one too many times and he just got fed up with it and needed his space…time for himself.

I really don’t feel like re-living last night, but that’s when a lot of shit happened….the beginning of the end of tonight. He saw Holli….that is all I’m saying about last night.

Tonight started great. Him and I ate at Mexican Connection. While we were eating the subject of last night came up. Something was said and I got a little pissed. *yada yada yada* Things wound up not nice and point blank he wants time….a week….from Sunday (technically today) to Sunday. I’m playing by his rules now. He can call me, but I’m not calling him. I won’t bring him lunch to work. No seeing him during the week. I told him I didn’t care what time of day it was, where I was, or how many times a day he could call me whenever!! I sound desparate!! I don’t care at this point.

I love Roger so much. All I can seem to do is cry right now. Typical girl, huh? It hurts….my heart hurts so bad right now I dunno what to do. All I can do is listen to Howie Day’s song Collide. I love it and right now it’s hitting the spot. What am I suppose to do now? All I do during the day is sit at home by my phone waiting for him to call me. Waiting to hear him just say hey and I’ve got a few mintues to talk….but now I won’t hear those thing.

Although I do have *HOPE* he will come back to me becuz I told him to take his xbox and he said no…he’d leave it here. So maybe that’s a good thing. I told him he couldn’t use that as an excuse to come see me, he said it wouldn’t be. DAMN! *lol*

It’s just ironic to me that he decides to do this now…..after seeing Holli!! That’s weird and suspisious to me…but he has never lied to me. I made him promise she had nothing to do with this, that he wouldnt be running straight to her, he said definitely not. Okay, I believe him. What can I do even if he does go meet her somewhere? He does have that secret yahoo email account I don’t know about. I know he has it, but I don’t know the screen name or password. I know both on his hotmail….so that leads me to think something. Nothing I can do but trust….well and maybe ask him one day….after we get back together.

What really sucks is him and I are suppose to fly to Oregon in September, with non-refundable tickets, to see my mother. My dad paid for both of our tickets so if this separation is permanent we’re gonna have to act like we’re together till after we get back, or else he owes my dad like $487. Otherwise my dad isn’t gonna make him pay it back.

I love him so much and he knows it. Hopefully he’ll come back and realize yes I can be a bitch, but I’m willing to change for him and he knows that. He knows I love him….He just needs to be reminded and maybe this week will do it for him. I’m crossing my fingers!! Good night…..

***goodnight roger. i love you so much and i respect your decision, i just hope you make a different one next time and come back to me. i love you so much!! sweet dreams baby!….***