I just can’t
Right now, I just can’t… I can’t be bothered by anyone. I just want to shut myself out of life for a little while. I am so tired of people asking me why I look so down and why I look so depressed………. BECAUSE I FUCKING AM!! Why do I have to keep repeating myself? Do these people really think that things are going to change over night? Do these people think that just because I am young and have a nice family and a nice car, that my life should be perfect and that I should be perfect and feel perfect? No.. just no. These people have no idea what my past holds and they don’t understand the daily battle that I struggle with deep inside.
And trying to continue a friendship with one of your soulmates that is in love with another girl.. That is just the cherry on top.
He texted me this morning telling me that he had deleted the one messaging app that we used to talk on all the time.. I don’t really know what to say to him. Right now I just don’t want to say anything.
I have done very well so far with staying of the dating sites. I do not want to look anymore.. I am tired of looking. I keep thinking about going on to “browse,” but so far I have been able to talk myself out of it.
All of the guys I have met in my life up until now were never really worth my time. And while I will always miss D and wish we never broke up.. I can see that he never really treated me the best that he could. He was very selfish and had an ego the size of the sun.. But God did I love him.. Maybe I just loved him because I was looking to just not be alone. I often wonder if I even know what love is…? What do you guys define love as?
If you don’t feel like answering when they ask you stuff like that the don’t or say no comment. You don’t need to reply to him if he letting you know that simple fact there really is no need to. As far as defining love I guess I’ll go with the dictionary with it being a strong affection. Hand in there.
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I don’t think love can really be defined. There are about as many definitions for love as there are people on the planet because love means different things to everyone. Love is waiting all day just to see that person or talk to that person because you know they are the one person who you want to hear about their day and know they really want to hear about yours, too. It’s doing nice little things that don’t mean diddly to some people, but they are better than any grand gesture could ever be. It’s sticking around when things are fantastic, but also when they are completely fuckered. So many things, and right there I haven’t even touched the tip of my definition. More importantly than our definitions – how do you define love?
@caria I really like how you began to describe your definition. Hmm, I guess I would describe love as being with someone that when you’re in their presence the whole world just seems to disappear. You can completely be yourself around them, have all the little inside jokes that no one else would ever understand. Their smile makes your heart skip a beat.. you forget to breathe.. no matter how many times you have seen it. Their laugh fills your soul with light. And when it is gone.. there’s is a huge hole inside that nothing can fill.. time won’t heal it.. everything will remind you of them in some way. You find yourself using phrases that you learned from them.. Saying them out-loud and other people just wondering what in the hell you’re talking about. When my ex used to look at me.. I could feel how much he loved me. No words were ever spoken.. no one had ever looked at me the way he looked at me.. and it haunts me every day. Even after everything he has put me through.. he still has my heart.. and I think and wonder about him every day. I hope that he is safe. I hope that some sort of happiness has passed through his mind and soul and that laughter pours out thru his lips.. even if it’s not from me. And yes that is just the tip of the definition haha. I still remember the smell and feel of his skin.. I can still remember what running my fingers through his hair feels like…
@bru8282 That really sounds like love to me. It’s hard to get over. I won’t lie about that or blow smoke up your butt about it. Losing love is hard. Tucking that love away into one of the secret pockets in your heart is a lot harder. It’s not time that will make you feel better and feel like you can move forward with someone else – not that your looking or moving in that direction as yet. But will help move you and give you that little nudge is when you find another and the relationship feels right cuz everything clicked. When you start to fall in love with someone else, your heart will heal and you can move forward and treasure the good you had in the other one, but all it will be is a memory. Oh, and that someone else you’re going to fall in love with… it’s you. Fall in love with you first. That will attract the right kind of love from the right kind of man. 🙂
@caria Thanks for your notes again girl! Sorry, I guess I had to subscribe now haha. Everyone tells me to fall in love with myself.. and to be honest.. I don’t really know how to do that haha. I am trying though. I have been losing weight and all of that. I buy myself nice clothes.. Probably spend too much money to be honest. But I like dressing up and feeling pretty.
@bru8282 That is a GREAT place to start loving yourself! We all like to look good, and knowing we do gives us confidence and that’s what makes us feel prettier. These are all steps to loving yourself. Loving yourself is a lifetime love affair and it’s work… I know from experience. I don’t always love myself. These days I kinda don’t, but I’m getting back there again. 🙂 You’ll do it, too!
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