Holy Frick

I cannot stand "letters to my unborn child" diaries.  I wouldn’t mind them so much if they weren’t all sickeningly cutesy.  "Dear Baby Tapeworm, I wuuuuuuuv you sooooo much.  Mommy felt your little kickums today.  Daddy says it’s just gas because you can’t feel a baby kicking at 3 weeks pregnant, but he’s just a doody woody head.  hehe.  You’re going to be the bestestestestest baby ever.  SQUEEELOVESQUEEE!"

Jesus H. Christ.  Get a fucking life.

With that being said:

Dear Lily..

Just kidding!

Got a letter from my (former) church yesterday.  It was addressed only to Brett despite the fact that everything else we’ve gotten from them has been addressed to both of us, I was the more active member of the church AND I was the one in the freaking choir.  Read and enjoy:

Dear Fellow Member:

As the senior pastor of (church) it is usually my privilege to share with you news that is uplifting and exciting about our life together.  However, this letter is different and it is now my task to inform you that (choir director), our Director of Music, has been placed On Leave.

The reason for this action is related to an investigation the (city) Police Department began last week into activities that they believe (director) may or may not have been involved in.  Their investigation included the seizing of the computer (director) uses here at church as well as a search of his office.

We are shocked that this sort of investigation is taking place and were totally unaware of any activities that would have precipitated this kind of action by the (city) Police Department but are cooperating completely with the investigation by the authorities.  Your Church Council has been involved in this matter and made the decision at a special meeting of the Council to put (director) On Leave.

As far as the duties previous performed by (director) we are privileged to have a talented and energetic music staff that is capable of stepping in and continuing to move our music ministry forward.  We will re-group as a staff and move forward proclaiming, as we always do, the good news of Jesus Christ to all who are willing to hear.

Our thoughts and prayers are with Alex and those affected by this investigation. We also covet your prayers for (church), your pastors and staff, as well as the leadership and members of our congregation as we go through this difficult time.

Sincerely.

(Pastor I-don’t-know-how-to-use-commas)

So … either the music director has been looking at child porn on the church computer, embezzling money or illegally downloading enough music to somehow get the local police involved, but not the feds.  I’m thinking porn or embezzlement.

What really gets me, though (since I assume everyone is a perv or thief anyway), is that the letter was only addressed to Brett.  WTF?  Are my sensibilities too delicate to read that sort of stuff?  Does my husband have to cut this down into bite sized pieces for me to understand (or to prevent me from fainting as we women are wont to do)?  Or maybe, as a woman, it’s best to keep me ignorant.  Maybe it’s to keep me (and the other women at my church) from gossiping all through the services.  We are quite the gossips, you know.  Fuckers.