Happy Mother’s Day

If you had asked me even 3 years ago if I’d ever celebrate Mother’s Day as a mother, I’d have laughed.   I realized that I could very well change my mind, but at the time kids were not a part of my future.

But now I have Lily. 

I know I didn’t ever write in here about what lead up to deciding to have Lily, so it may have seemed like she was an accident.  A happy accident, but an accident nonetheless.  Let me assure you now that Lily was planned.  When I realized that it no longer signaled the possible end of my world when my period was a little late, Duckie and I started discussing whether we wanted to have a child and whether we were ready emotionally and financially able to commit to what raising a child entails.  We went over our finances, discussed how life would change with a baby and began to plan.

When we bought the Forester in February 2011, we weren’t trying for a baby yet.  I was still on birth control as we were still discussing whether raising a child was for us, but we chose our car with the possibility of having to cart a baby/child/teenandallherfriends around in mind.  When we moved to our new apartment in July 2011, we chose our apartment with the realization that we may need to have a nursery in the future and would need an extra room for that.  By July, though, we were already not-trying.

I stopped taking the pill in June.  We weren’t going to actively chart ovulation or try very hard.  If it happened, we would be happy.  If it didn’t, we would continue on as we always had – just minus the pill.  My period was late in July, but probably only due to the fact that I’d recently stopped taking the pill.  But I was pretty sad that I wasn’t pregnant.  Now, I know it can take a while and I know that getting pregnant the first month you’re off the pill is pretty ridiculous, but I’d still hoped.

That summert, we were nice and settled in the new apartment and things were going swimmingly.  I’d gotten a promotion at work that included a raise and things were just flowing right along.  I hadn’t actively thought about getting pregnant in several weeks, so I didn’t think anything of it when I was suddenly insanely tired all the time.  I’d nearly fall asleep at work.  I was drinking several cups of coffee a day to help me stay awake – and I don’t even like coffee!  I’d come home from work and nap for 3 hours, wake up to eat dinner, and then go back to sleep until morning.  I figured it was just because my period was coming soon.  Except I couldn’t remember when my period was supposed to come because things were still a little irregular.  Finally, I decided that I’d take a pregnancy test the following Saturday if my period hadn’t come yet.  If nothing else, every time I break down and take a test, my period comes.

Except this time, there was a very faint second pink line.  It was pretty early on Saturday morning and Duckie was out walking the dog.  I just stared at the test for several minutes and then I started crying.  I had it together by the time Duckie came back.  When he came in, I handed him the test.  I don’t think he said anything at first.  I asked him if he was happy, he said yes.

And so began my road to motherhood.

In a lot of ways, I am still an incredibly selfish person.  Now that we have Lily, there are a hundred times a day when I’m reminded just how selfish I am.  Not just because I don’t always want to get up to feed her in the middle of the night or because I get annoyed when she won’t settle down and go back to sleep, but because of all the things I want for her, too.  -I want- her to be this and that when she grows up.  -I want- her to behave in this particular way or be that particular kind of person.  I can temper that with the realization that Duckie and I want to raise her to think for herself and to look at all of her options before making a decision, but in the back of my mind, I still have that nagging "I want her to go to college and play tennis and look pretty and be smart" voice that won’t go away.  But I think that part is a healthy kind of selfishness.  I want all those things not only because of how they would reflect on me, but because I think they would make her life better.  Okay, maybe not the tennis, but you know what I mean.

So anyway, for my first Mother’s Day, Duckie got me a nice picture frame with three windows.  The first window has a picture of Lily and me.  The second window has a picture of just Lily.  The third window has a picture of Duckie and Lily.  I did have to actually tell him that I would demand a card and a cake, though.  He also wrote me a very nice note that I’ll keep private.

Which reminds me…  I’ve read so many articles about how having children saps the happiness out of marriages, but not mine.  So far, sharing the duties of parenthood has made me appreciate and love Duckie even more.  I love watching him interact with Lily.  He was so worried about what kind of father he’d be, but he’s practically a natural.  He talks to her, cuddles her, feeds her, changes her.  He’s way better at diaper changes than I am.  In two weeks, he’s come so far from the guy who couldn’t even change a diaper and was worried that he’d break her when he changed her clothes.  We laugh when she farts and groan together when she spews poop all over the fresh diaper that we haven’t even had a chance to put on her yet.  We share the frustration when she’s up all night crying and we revel in the quiet together when she’s sleeping.  He’s been absolutely amazing since the beginning and, frankly, I can’t wait until Father’s Day.

But now, the LilyMonster wants to eat and she’ll not take no for an answer.

Happy Mother’s Day to all you moms out there. 🙂