shedding tears

Okay I will say right now that I do not want to go through that experience again!  The viewing AND funeral together were enough to be overwhelming, heart-wrenching, and emotionally draining all at once!  I got a little teary-eyed at the viewing last night.  Seeing those precious little souls lying so still in the coffins was just awful!  It’s not that it was a dead body, it’s that the family was literally wailing at the loss of those two children.  I do not blame them at all! They have every right to wail…to scream even! I probably would have crawled right into the coffin and died with my child(ren) if that happened to me.  I can’t imagine how mom and dad are feeling.  There were so many people at the viewing.  I wanted to just stand and stare a  little longer, but people were in line behind me so I just had to quickly and quietly pay respects and pray in my heart.  How could Daniel be dead? It didn’t seem right, but it was true.  That was definitely him.

The last thing I wanted was Yesenia to be there.  She’s one of my current students and the most loud-mouthed and in your business girl that I have.  I dreaded today that she would say something and it wouldn’t be said privately.  Yeah, that fear came to pass in the middle of math.  My class didn’t know about Daniel’s death because he moved mid-year and it’s too harsh on little ones.  All we did was send a note home Tuesday afternoon and Diane, the school counselor and I decided it would be best only to tell them if more than one child brought it up.  Nobody brought it up Wednesday, then Yesenia totally was like "I saw you last night at that place where Daniel died!(the mortuary where the viewing was)"  I quickly changed the subject, but I’m sure that was all she could talk about at recess. Ugh.  Another little boy asked about it later, but we talked privately and he was okay.  I think he just didn’t want to believe Yesenia so he needed to confirm details with me.

After the viewing, I couldn’t stop thinking about Daniel.  I got teary-eyed again in the car, but no flowage of tears.  This morning I went to the funeral, which was supposedly at nine.  I walk in at five to nine and there’s probably 10 people there, no caskets, no flowers.  So, I know ZILCHO about Catholic funerals, only that people told me they were different form LDS funerals.  Anyway, I was thinking in my mind that maybe Catholics don’t revere the funeral as important and that the viewing where the Rosary took place was the big event.  But it still was strange to me that not even the parents were there.  So, I get up and walk out then ask an approaching person if the funeral is at that church.  She said yes so I walked in with her.  Still no caskets, no flowers, no family.  I stayed a few minutes then walked out again convinced I was totally in the wrong place.  So I asked a lady in this other room and she said the funeral was there, but there was morning mass first THEN the funeral at 10.  Whew! Why wasn’t I informed of the different time! UGH!

The funeral definitely was different from what I expected, but it was nice.  I kept my composure the whole way (partly because I was trying to absorb everything that was going on along with understanding all the Spanish).  When the funeral mass ended and we were standing as the caskets were being rolled out, the only thing I could see was the hearse door open and the men who work at the mortuary (what the heck is their official job title?) lifting the caskets inside.  I totally lost it! Tears flowed freely and I had to breathe so deeply to keep from breaking down.  I don’t know what came over me, but it was appropriate closure for me.  The prinicpal from Daniel’s school made sure I was okay before he left.  It was nice to let out my sadness and I’m okay now.  Daniel will be a memory, but not a painful one for me.

That’s all.

JC