Untitled Thoughts

Do I want to be saved?

I seem content to continuously screw myself over in the areas of life that really matter. Someone to save me from myself? Sounds like a bad line from a country song. And I’m a broken record then for crying wolf when I was happy to kill the sheep myself.

Once upon a time, I may have believed someone else had enough influence in my life to "save" me from the damaging decisions I like to make. But lately, it seems as though I steer myself in the direction of chaos just to see if I can stand after it kicks me down again. Is it my twisted way of feeling alive? Is it the only way I feel alive . . .

I want to leave this life. I know, that’s horrible to say with a little girl I love more than anything sleeping in the next room, but on days like this when the air is crisp and the sun is almost white, I get that urge to drive again. I start having dreams of a life where I don’t wake up every day a miserable slave to the consequences of teenage stupidity.

I don’t want to be saved. I just want to be.