28

I look back at myself last year, and I can’t believe how far I’ve come. My last birthday, I remember sitting on my sofa, hands folded on my lap, staring at the blank TV screen with tears in my eyes. I felt like a failure. My life was stuck. Stagnated. I tied myself in knots trying desperately to work some way out of the bad decisions that wrapped like thick rope around my heart. Breathing was hard when I thought about it too much. I could feel the minutes of my life ticking down to my greatest fear; I’d done nothing of worth with my life. 

My desire to escape pushed me in a thousand different directions. I wanted to leave the country: Japan. Korea. China. The desire to travel was born out of genuine interest, but it grew to obsession. I needed to escape myself in order to feel alive. In my desire to escape myself, I  turned my back on my dreams. I was filled with self doubt. I depended on everything but myself to solve my problems. And so I accomplished little. I hated myself for that too.

That was how I crash landed into 27.

Between this birthday and the last, I faced myself.  It’s been one hell of a rollercoaster year.

This year:

I failed to get into the JET Programme, and thus stayed in the USA, in spite of my best and strongest effort.

I faced some of my darkest moments: the death of my godmother, the end of a six plus year relationship, betrayal from a close friend, and the near death of two of my cats (in the same weekend as my godmother’s funeral). I faced the possibility of my own death. I faced indifference that nearly broke me. I faced my own self centeredness. 

I faced my life without the safety nets I had built for myself and that were simultaneously strangling me. 

This year:

I wrote my second novel and did it one month. This was a goal that at the time terrified me. I wasn’t sure I’d ever be able to write another novel after the two year disaster of my first one, let along finish a novel in a month.

I stopped running away, and started running towards.

I made a real commitment to my writing. I joined a new writing class. That has reset the path of my life to something that will allow me to achieve all of my goals. Including world travel.

I had the wheels jacked off of my bike. Struggled around for a month on a rattle trap, and then got a better bike for my birthday.

I taught a Kanji Workshop at Otakon and had a great time doing it.

I learned about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel, and now have a new addiction.

I started the process of applying to Grad School.

I’ve met new people, made new friends, reunited with old friends, and have had some of the best times of my life.

I found out people believed in me more than I  believed in myself.  For the first time since I graduated college, I’m happy to be a year older. I’m a better me. One step at a time. Better and better.   

And on Friday I’m having an ice skating party!

Happy birthday to me!