Just Bleed

I feel like I’ve had a labotomy. You know when they cut out a piece of someone’s brain and they become as docile as a wet dishclothe. My motor skills might not be at that level but on the inside that’s how I fell. I feel like all of my actions are labored, and for the most part sitting still and watching the world go by might be the best thing to do. I can’t really pin down one thing that brought me to this point, but my mind keeps retracing its thoughts backward through a chain of events that lead me to where I am at this evening.

When a person is finally pushed over the edge, or to a lesser degree has a moment that let’s out irregular / irrational behavior, the triggering mechanism is usually small or insignificant. Usually it is some “straw that broke the camel’s back,” removed from everything that is center stage in a person’s life. This is me in a nutshell today. Its been a week or two in between a girl that I am supposed to be in some sort of a relationship with, and a girl that I have been crazy for in the past that now thinks it an opportune time to express attraction to me (one I would have died for in the past…for over the course of two years….it was NOT a “crush”). I have no idea what to do…and it would seem like I have good things going for me right now, but for some reason I’ve been saying for a while that there is no way that I am going to come out of this situation with anything or anyone. The problem being that neither of these girls has a clean slate with me, both have in one way or another wanted me to play a role of absence in their lives. I don’t do well with rejection…and that I am sure will be the downfall. Somehow some way…fuck-up was inevitable; at least I can still call it.

Last night I felt sick after I told one girl that I couldn’t come to her place for a lunch with friends. At work I was so quiet that my supervisor told me to go home; she thought I had somewhere to be for Halloween, I felt like I was being pitied. I went to a Halloween party with good friends…I lasted for maybe 45 minutes before I just went home, I felt like I didn’t belong. I’ve been to church for 5 or 6 weeks in a row, I didn’t go this morning, I feel like God really wants me to be unhappy, probably for something I’ve done but can’t pin down. Dad told me to take the car I am supposed to be buying soon for a spin (firebird…very fun), it wouldn’t start…again. I checked the oil in my car before I left to buy a book; the oil was low I had to look for a quart for an hour before I could even be on my way. I stopped by my grandparents house to get some things cause I had been house sitting for them. There were things left untidy that I was supposed to be in charge of. Small things. I could tell he was really disappointed with me, like he had trusted me with his home and his affairs while he was away…and I blew it. This was it the; the breaking point. I cried on the way to the bookstore…I can do nothing right, my own family thinks I’m worthless.

Tonight the girl I am pursuing talked to me the first time in a week, it was trivial, I think she’s just being nice and waiting for me to give up cause she doesn’t want to upset me in breaking it off…I’m that weak I guess. The other girl called me and confronted me about us after three years…shit three 3 years…of letting so much be unspoken. I told how I felt that she was distant and she told me she was…a lot of it was her fault, and after she told me all that she was dealing with at the time…its no wonder she had so much trouble. She cried…some how in the middle of being shit on all day, I am also and asshole. And this shit, this shit that I am writing down now as if it is significant…no one cares, my own little pity party about how bad I have it while everyone else would tell me how thankful I should be.

I bought “Prozac Nation.” I have been on this binge of Christian books and random fiction…I wanted something real…something personable and refreshing in honesty. A friend of mine recommended the book a while ago, and I thought that I would never even read it. Well I bought it tonight. And something scares me. All this talk of depression, self mutilation, overdoses…somehow its comforting. It nice to know that people think the way that I do…to dabble in the irrational when the world itself makes no sense… to feel so numb that you make pain just to feel alive. It frightens me. It frightens me because these people that go that far…they seem almost heroic to me. It frightens me because they seem heroic and not in need of help…they seem to be the only ones in a sea of people that are willing to admit that they can only tread water for so long. And I am disgusted because I have kept myself away from that kind of behavior because I told myself that it was weak. It seems I am the one who is weak…unable to see past the consequential outcomes and social norms to see that I was weak to not be myself. For the longest time I was such a coward in fear of being labeled crazy, while all the time refusing to be myself and just bleed.