Reflections of a First Kiss

3/8/04

I’m counting the moments as if its new years.  Six years ago today, at this very hour, at this very time, I leaned against my car and looked at you in the most intense way…I was so uncertain.  You made a move, I surrendered…what else could I have done, I thought I was falling in love.

I had told a friend that I was interested just a few days before, on some levels you had to have known already.  “Did she have anything interesting to say?” I joked because I knew that she had spoken to you.

Saturday night you looked incredible.  Your hair was straight for the first time that I had seen.  You wore blue jeans, and brown shoes.  The split at the bottom of you pants had gone up kinda high, and I teased you about because I was nervous to talk about much else.  The blue shirt that you wore had a green and a white line around the v-neck and across the shoulders; it was very cute.  Two butterfly bandages covered the accidental, self-inflicted cut on your cheek…something that everyone else knew was kinda funny, but to this day still remains a mystery to me, as well as if it had anything to do with me.  I seem to remember almost all the little details, but I remember nothing more clearly than you eyes…words cannot describe how I felt when they looked at mine the way that they did later that night.

I still hate Titanic, maybe cause of you, maybe just because.  But a long movie got me extended curfew in my high school days, and it made it all worth it to hold your hand, and to joke and whisper during the boring parts.

You sat with me at you house after the movie.  I held you closely, kissed your neck, and even rubbed your feet.  My only care was when I had to keep checking you watch to see what time it was and how soon I would have to leave you and head home.  I don’t know why you followed me outside, but I joked that you were going to “walk me out” as we made our way outside.  Talk of our next date, a date that would never even happen, filled the quiet night and frosty air.

You turned my world upside down with that first kiss, I didn’t realize what was happening until it was already over, I barely remembered to close my eyes.  I think that I got a little better on the second one.  But a second or third kiss would be the last as I would scare you away with too much enthusiasm in the days that would follow.  After all what was I supposed to do?  I was thought I was falling in love for the first time.  It was the most incredible feeling I had ever experienced…even if I was falling alone.

That girl is gone now.  I think that she started to vanish after the night of our first kiss…even now, after all the pain, I am still grateful for the memory.