Rhapsody in Blue

I have been away too long.   I know this.  I know that I could offer up a myriad of excuses for my absence.  The truth is, that  I have been avoiding.  I have been avoiding this blank page because I know that there are things with which I still need to deal, and move past.  The last entry sits as a silent and foreboding reminder of how much I still have to do, to truly be myself and free from the constrictions and the painful rule/punishment relationship arbitrarily set upon me by others.  These people do not deserve to have such complete power over me.  

The letter, though, was difficult to write.  I have not forgotten, but I have pushed it out of central keeping.  Christopher no longer has the control to keep me under such restraint.  This is not to say that I have forgotten, or that I have been just fine.  One will never truly forget something like that, and I do not doubt that I will be remembering and hurting over little tidbits for a long time.  But I have given myself permission to acknowledge the pain and the wrong doing.  I have absolved myself from the blame of it, and as such I am able to feel it, realize the ways in which it has been affecting my behavior in the past, and let it go.   

Thus have I been avoiding my diary.  Knowing that I should be proceeding onwards, moving past to give other constrictions the boot.  I have been busy, I have been feeling like shit physically, and so… I have been avoiding my diary.  Too tired and too preoccupied to give it the attention it deserves.  I came to the realization, however, that saying that I should be moving on to the next "thing" is a rather utilitarian thought for what I am attempting to do.  There are no how to books for healing, and healing is something I’ve never allowed myself to do.  From the time the first deep wound hit to now I have lumbered onward under the pretense that it was my job and my responsibility to stay strong for my family, and my friends.  This meant that I did not give myself the chance or the right to hurt or to grieve.  There is no time table.  To rush would be denying myself the right and the chance to truly grieve.  For my grandparents.  For friends and their family.  For my own innocence.  For the loss of an ideal, and the realization that must come to us all at some point that our parents are not perfect, and that they are in fact human.  

I know a lot of my friends are going through hardships right now.  I know several people who are grieving for loved ones.  There is a lot of need for prayer, and there is a lot of need for grief. 

I think this entry was pointless, but at least you know I am still alive.  I do apologize for not being around much, here or on messenger.  I shall be around more… soon I hope.