Dangerous

It seems that this is going to be another semester when there simply will not be time for me to write very often.  Which is a shame, because there is so much going on.  Tonight will be the last night of my New Playwrights’ play, Courage, which is not wonderful but it’s all right.  I had to miss the second week of rehearsals for it, because of Winter’s Tale, so I had never seen the whole arc of the play before performance, and having seen it several times now I know what’s wrong with it and how to fix it.  So it’s rather irritating to sit there after every show and listen to audience members struggle to express a problem I’ve already identified.  But oh well.  One more night and then it’s done.  We’ve had some good times with it, and one really excellent show that I felt very good about.  But I’ll be glad when it’s over.  My mother was in town yesterday to see it, and that was nice but it took up time I didn’t have.  Still, it was good to see her.  Feels like I’ve been here months already, and it’s only been three weeks.

My classes are good…time consuming.  Audition class is great, I love it, but it does require a lot of work.  Likewise Voice/Verse, but that’s different because I’m doing the work in excellent company (more on that later).  Tap IV is much fun, at the end of every class we learn a short combination that’s actually to music, which is unusual for Tony.  I dropped ballet, it was just too much, but I go sometimes anyway.  And then there’s Cabaret, which is the class from doom but is also very exciting.  There is just so, so, so much work to be done.  I have a theme though, for my cabaret, and almost dates.  So that’s good.  It looks like I’ll have one on March 25th, at night, and one the following Sunday or Monday; nothing official yet, though.

I have almost no time for considering spiritual matters right now, so there’s really nothing new to report there.

….And then there’s Alex.

There is something different about what is going on with Alex than just about anything I’ve had before.  I think the closest analogue is actually Sam, before he came out to me…hovering just *this close* to a relationship and not quite ever crossing the line.  We go over to each other’s places really late at night for tea, or to work on Shakespeare, or just to talk…and we do it all the time…and he’ll say things and I’ll think, ah, OK, now I know where this is heading…and then he’ll say other things and I’ll think, oh, now I have no idea what’s going on, because that just doesn’t fit with my earlier conclusion.  And we have a really wonderful time, I love spending time with him, he can call me at 1:00 in the morning on a week night and I’ll go over to see him just for his company.  And we could go on doing this endlessly and it would still be wonderful.  The problem is that I am at serious risk of falling in love with him.  Not casually, not distantly, not adolescently, but with real truth and depth.  With my friend.  Not some guy I admire from afar, not a scene partner, not someone with whom I have an intense but new connection.  My close, dear friend.  And I don’t know what he feels.

This may, in fact, be a situation where I can actually ask him.  Just say, I don’t know what’s going on, I don’t know whether we are about a breath away from a romance or whether we’re at the beginning of a fantastic friendship that will last all our lives, or both…but could you please tell me which, so that I know what it’s safe to feel?  Because if we’re not going to date, this would be a good time for me to know it.  So I don’t fall for you completely and then have to pull back lest it tear me to pieces.  So please just tell me what we’re doing here.

Depending on my own courage, this conversation will happen sooner or later.  Sooner would be wiser.  We are way too close for comfort.

I can’t stay and write, I have to go get ready for my show…I’ll try to write more often, but this term I really can’t make any promises.  Take care.

–Stephanie