Really rough week

My scene partner and I went in for our midterm evaluation results with Craig last Thursday.  He and I had joint office hours to talk about our work on Ikke, Ikke, Nye, Nye, Nye and thus far in the semester in general.  The scene was OK.  We knew that.  There was some good stuff, some not so good stuff, which was exactly what I was expecting.  Craig said that he appreciated my committing to my choices, and that he was very pleased to see me be sexual onstage.  So that was good.  But for my feedback for the semester in general?  He told me I was still acting inside the box.  And I said, that doesn’t help Craig, I don’t know what that means.  Give me something concrete.  I feel like other teachers tell me to breathe more or allow myself impulses, and you tell me to change who I am.  And what did he say?

You’re not an actor, he said.  You’re not an actor.  You’re not an actor.  He said it three times.  Then he said, well, you are an actor, but in my experience, will you work much?  No.  He said, I always try to never, ever say that to a student.  And whenever the faculty does say that, we’re always hoping that the student will prove us wrong.  But four out of five times we’re right.  It’s always sad when a student comes in with determination and discipline and just doesn’t have the talent.

So, I’m not an actor, I’ll never work, and I have no talent.  He said this to me in front of my scene partner.  And then I had to walk out of that room and into rehearsal.

I have gone back and forth between furiously angry and really depressed all week.  Add to this the realization that it honestly and truly isn’t going to happen with Robbie, and it’s been a really awful time.  That talk with Craig completely shot my confidence and destroyed my shields.  I’m almost back to how I was when I was a little kid — the least little tease and I want to cry, I feel ashamed and miserable for hours or even days.  It makes it very hard to trust the safety of any space, including our rehearsal room.  And going back to Craig’s class yesterday was hell.  And then he has the nerve to tell me that the work I did for him yesterday was excellent and I need to do it that way every day.  And then he goes and tells his mask class that I did beautiful work.  Sharone didn’t have time to tell me exactly what he said, because the break ended, but I wanted to strangle him.

I talked to both Marie and Lisa about it, because if Craig thinks I’m going to take this sitting down he is so wrong.  Marie said that the only thing that determines whether or not an actor works is his drive, and I have the drive.  And she said that probably the reason I’m not working too well with or for Craig right now is that Craig teaches technique, and that comes naturally to me, what I need is the emotional life, and Craig doesn’t teach that.  I can have flawless technique and be so veiled that nothing shows, and it’s no good.  So I’m studying with the wrong teacher.  She gave me some things to try in our next scene to see if they help.

Lisa said that what Craig is seeing in me is that in life I never express my emotions, and it’s very, very hard to break that habit onstage but hold onto it in life.  And therefore I need to test limits, at my own pace and only in safe places, to see where it’s safe to feel and to express, and when I need to protect myself.  She told me that my vulnerability, my sensitivity, all the things that my friends and family spent my whole life telling me I need to conquer, are my strength.  And she looked at me crying and said, yes, this is the idea.  You’ll find that you’re safe more often than you think you are.  And once you’ve found that, you can make your own boundaries for life and be able to express onstage.  It was a good meeting.

I’m doing good work for Marie.  I mean, really good work.  I made my whole class cry today.  I’m doing passable work for Lizzie, although I’m a little scared of her class right now.  OK, more than a little.  But I’m not doing good work for Craig, except for yesterday, apparently.  I told Lisa that it’s hard for me to work for him right now because I don’t trust him anymore, and I used to trust him so much.  She told me that I need to find the place where I trust myself and care more about the work than about Craig.  Or to trust the person I used to trust, and trust that he will be there again when we come out of this.  But the gauntlet is down, and I need to pick it up.

I know what she means, and I know it’s true.  But I don’t want to show Craig a thing of what I’m feeling.  Tell him, yes, absolutely, but not show him.  Because what I feel is mine to give away or not as I choose, and I don’t want to give it to him right now.  I don’t trust him right now and I hate him a little bit.  And I’m really angry.  And really hurt.  You don’t say that to an actor whose biggest struggle is with confidence.  You don’t say that to an actor who is reevaluating in less than two months.  You don’t say that to an actor whose show opens in less than two weeks.  Hell, you don’t say that to anyone.

My biggest fear right at first was, oh my G-d, what if he’s right?  But I’ve been working on shows all semester, and my experience has been consistent — all the rest of life, no matter how much fun or how relaxing or otherwise pleasant, is just stuff I have to get through before I can go to rehearsal.  Rehearsal is where I want to be.  All day.  I never want it to end, I don’t want to have to wait for it, I don’t want to leave the room while other people are working and go hang out in the hall, I want to stay in there and learn by watching, and be involved.  I live for the show I’m doing.  This is my sign, and Marie and Lisa both agreed, that I am in the right profession.

I’m meeting with Craig tomorrow afternoon to talk to him about all this.  It’s been a really hard week.  I’m so fragile right now and it’s so hard to trust myself in my work anymore.  Robbie assures me that I’m doing good work, and I feel good about most of what I’m doing for him.  Occasionally I still even get new laughs.  Our show is great and I’m so proud of it.  I can’t wait for Elisabeth to come see it next week.  We go into tech on Friday, good lord.  Where did the time go?

For a couple of days I was getting over Robbie, because I just couldn’t stand to watch him suffer for Chrissy and know that none of us were happy.  Except Chrissy, who is blissfully ignorant.  I even managed to stop looking at him that way during the days.  But my dreams at night betrayed me, and it was even worse to wake up night after night from dreams about him and say, hey, I’m getting over him, these dreams are nothing.  So I’m back to admitting that I still care about him and that’s just that.  But it is perhaps not so desperate.  Because it isn’t going to happen.  He isn’t going to get over her.  Stupid boy.

I really wanted to go home last weekend.  Just get out of here, away from these people, a

way from the show, away from the whole acting thing, see my family and my house and my dog and my room and my city.  And I said this to Anna, and she said, I still have the ticket I got last Thanksgiving, I’m not going to have time to use it, do you want it?  I had to say, Anna, I can’t go home this weekend, I have rehearsal all day every day….but it was the nicest offer ever in life.  My parents weren’t even home this weekend, they were at Ben’s school for parents’ weekend.

Rehearsal tonight was really short, we were just working through Act II, so I got out very early.  So I finally had time to come home and write.  Most of my spare time just now is occupied in AIDS Lifecycle training.  My legs are so sore.  I can’t believe I signed up to do this, I must be insane.  But I’m excited.  When I have the time and energy to think about it.

I want to write an entry about the people in my cast.  Knowing me, it will probably take a couple entries, so maybe I’ll start that now.

–Stephanie