Back in the game

I’m still fed up.  But I’m not despairing anymore.  Of course.  Every so often I decide I’m done with the whole business…and the next day, or two days later, I’ve changed my mind, or, more like, my heart refuses to change with my mind.  So I’m back in the game, waiting, making little plays, feints and parries, overanalyzing every word or glance and so filled with hope again that I can’t help but smile secret little smiles where all the world can see me.

I haven’t seen Sharone since Friday night, but the general consensus is that there is absolutely no way that she and Robbie have a thing.  I’ve spoken to three people about it, and they all responded with complete certainty that there is simply no way on earth.  They’ve been best, best friends since freshman year, and Sharone’s still in love with her ex.  That much I knew, but I didn’t know if maybe she and Robbie were trying something out, experimenting…everyone says absolutely not.  I may still ask her, just to have the reassurance of hearing it from her…well, not just…it occured to me that, if she and Robbie were not together, and she found out that I was interested in him, well, she’d probably  be completely on my side.  And it would be good to have someone who knows him really well on my side.  On the other hand, she might tell him.  And that could be messy.  And she might say, oh Stephanie, he’d be horrible for you.  Or, even worse, Stephanie, you’re not his type at all, it’ll never happen.  Never.

But he looks at me!  He smiles at me!  He makes jokes to me and he touches me in rehearsal!  He moves me places if I’m not quite in the right place, his hand on my arm, or sometimes my waist…I’m tempted to stand in the wrong place on purpose so that he’ll touch me more often.  But a good actor takes adjustments.  I would be ill-advised to intentionally make mistakes.

And our rehearsals are so short!  I want to be in rehearsal all day!  All day, all weekend, I don’t care, I just want to be in the room with him.  And after spending Friday evening with them all, I’m no longer convinced that he wouldn’t date someone in his show.  He does not maintain professional relationships with the rest of the cast outside of the rehearsal room — he cast all his best friends!  He goes and hangs out with them and makes inappropriate jokes and squeezes with 7 of us into a car that seats five.  And he sits with Sharone on his lap and sticks his face in her neck until she tells him that’s awkward.  But they’re best friends, and he was reallllly tired, he hasn’t been sleeping well (he said he slept well last night, though, so that’s good).  I don’t know.  I hear what everyone says, but still…I think I should ask Sharone.  But if I ask her, she’ll probably ask me why I’m asking, and she’ll probably guess how I feel about him.  She’ll probably guess.  It’s a wonder she hasn’t guessed already.  Or asked.  We’ve talked so much about her relationship with Jason…it’s kinda amazing to me that she never asked me if I’m interested in anyone.  At this point, if she asks me, I think I’ll tell her.  Do I want to let another chance pass me by?

Is this another chance that’s just all in my head?  Nonsense?  Chrissy thinks it could happen, but she thought it could happen with Geoff, too.  I just don’t know.  It doesn’t get in the way of my work, which is good, I’m grateful for that.  In fact, I think I work better for him because of how I feel about him.  But I want so much more.  Why do I want him so much?  I think I might have been wrong about him being subtle.  He catches ironies, but, well, Tenor is anything but subtle.  Ech.  I need to get to know the guy better.  Have dinner with him or something.  Why do I have to want this so badly?

–Stephanie