Mixed (still)
My days seem often to have ups and downs. The day will be beautiful, and then some tiny trigger and the night is miserable. Or vice versa. I don’t know. It’s just a weird time.
Yesterday was excellent, if I remember rightly…I ran around Schine and waved my arms and screamed, and had the greatest time. I actually got excited about it the previous day. In Web, a guy called DJ who I like very much is playing the
Gander
, and he and Brendan made the choice that he would be a Canadian goose. So he’s doing this perfect Canadian accent, and every word he says he sounds just like Sam. Every time he opens his mouth I want to cry. I miss Sam so incredibly desperately right now. But I was thinking about all the fun times we had, and about how free and honest and alive I am when I’m with him, and I thought about how much fun it would be to run around Schine with him. Or even just to have him watch while I did it – he’d be so proud of me. Or even just to tell him about it later. …Or even just to do it, knowing that he exists and that I, the person I am when I’m with him, can do that, for myself, not caring what the people watching think of me. And I had the time of my life. I attracted amazingly little attention, which was very disappointing, but I was so happy I did it. And proud. I can’t wait to tell Sam.
Today, V/V was not as good as the past two classes…I don’t know, I got frustrated. Lizzie said that I walk like a bird, skimming over the floor, not grounded at all. She told me to take off my socks, feel my feet slapping the floor, get into my “sexy hips,” and walk like a duck. So I’ll have to practice that.
I went into Scene Study and said, hey, Craig, guess what I did yesterday? And he gave me this look and said, oh dear, what did you do? And I said, I ran around Schine and waved my arms and screamed, and he asked if I had witnesses, and I said that the place had a lot of people in it including three theatre students, who I named in case he didn’t believe me. He was pleased that I’d done it. Dan and I also finally got to work today. I was so frustrated – the scene is so much better than it was when Adam and I did it, because I have so much stuff for it after this summer with Sam, but it still isn’t good enough. The very opening moment was lacking, and we worked on it for about five minutes and then class was over…I was so frustrated. I just want to be good at this.
Tap was better. I had a great time. We did several things that are just completely beyond me, but Tony understands that I’m not as quite the same level as many of the people in the class and he walks me through some things. Also, there’s this freshman called Brody, he’s quite cute and really sweet and we’ve established this sort of subtle flirtation, and he’s auditing that class on Tuesdays, so naturally it was fun having him there. We danced next to each other and talked between routines all through class. It’s fun to be flirting with someone. I haven’t seen Robbie since Thursday and Gordon turns out to be with Chrissy now, so it’s no harm for me to have someone else to focus on a little bit.
Oh, I don’t think I mentioned that I went out to dinner with my Little, Eric, on Sunday night. It was really nice. He’s a really interesting guy. We get along very well, and we have a lot in common. He’s obsessed with trains, and his room is the most painfully neat place I have ever seen in my life. I loved it. He’s very smart and has a very impressive and subtle sense of humor. Yay for new friends.
He also burned me a CD with all his favorite songs, to play on my computer, and a CD with “Butterfly” by Rajaton to play on my CD player. I’ve listened to it so often already. Oh G-d do I miss Sam. I should call him. There’s no sense in my just missing and missing and missing him like this. It hurts.
<p class="MsoNormal" style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt”>Dan and I worked again tonight after Web rehearsal, and it went really well. The scene is starting to come together, which is really exciting. We’re working again tomorrow…I think I might evaluate with him. Because we’re likely to be working together all semester in Craig’s class…it’s something to consider. After I worked with him, I holed up in a room upstairs and drilled some of the new tap steps by myself until the people who actually had the room signed out kicked me out. Oh well. I feel productive nonetheless.
I have to sing for Marie tomorrow…“It’s an Art,” my eval song…I’m just doing my eval cut for tomorrow, because I didn’t think to ask whether she wanted the cut or the whole song…maybe I can sing the whole piece later. It’s a good song. Now that the scene hasn’t been Hell, I’m a little less upset about having to sing the song. We’ll see how it goes. Tomorrow has the potential to be really OK or to be really pretty awful.
I should get something done…it’s quite late already though. I might just chill out the rest of the evening and get a good night’s sleep. There’s a concept, eh?
–Stephanie