You’d think this would get easier…

I’m leaving for school tomorrow, albeit by a roundabout route.  You’d think that it would get easier and easier each time, to leave home and go back to school.  But this time I really don’t want to go.  It’s not that I don’t want to be there, though truth to tell my feelings about that are mixed, it’s just that I do want to be here, I’m not done here yet this time round.  I never said goodbye to Evie, Elana, Sarah, or Solomon; I didn’t have enough time with Lauren; I never saw Matthew; I didn’t finish the binding on my latch-hook.  I didn’t get caught up on Enterprise, I never watched the new Dr Who with my father.  I love my room here, it’s so safe.  Though I would not have put such words to it at the time, I basically warded it in response to the entity that terrorized me from my corner two years ago, and now it’s very safe and I feel secure here.  I have connections in this place with the people I love most — Elisabeth, my family, Sam, Danny, even Katie a while back.  Not Anna, but that’s her fault, not mine.  I don’t have those associations for anybody in this new place.  Kathleen and Heather, yes, but not Elisabeth, not Sam.

A lot of this upset is because my mother is really struggling — Ben’s going off to school this week too, his first year at college, which leaves my mother with an empty nest.  I hadn’t even thought of it that way.  I’m so excited for Ben to go to college, it’ll be great for him and I fully expect him to love it.  But of course it’s hard on her.  I think a lot of this is about my apartment, it being my first time in one, having to provide all my own food, the fact that the room isn’t painted and is reputed to be full of other people’s stuff right now, etc.  I don’t know what it will be like to live with Alicia.  And I’ve taken on waaaay more than any sane person would for this semester, I’ll be lucky if I don’t go insane.  Some of it is probably also about Sam, about him leaving so abruptly, and about the fact that I haven’t heard from him since.  That’s normal for him, he’s awful at keeping in touch, but I miss him.  I sent him a large envelop today containing the pictures we took together, the sheetmusic to "Lullaby," and a full-page letter.  I’m fairly sure I’ll get some kind of response to that, but I probably won’t have internet access for the next week or so.  I shouldn’t say probably, it may happen, but it is likely that it will be a while before I can check my email again.

I don’t want to go to bed because it’s my last night in this room, this room where I sat and talked with him for hours, this room where I sleep safely, where I saw that expression on his face that makes me feel safer than anything else in the world.  I keep reminding myself, it’s not like I’m not coming back.  Of course I’ll be back, I’ll be back in December.  But I still sort of feel like it’s a final leave-taking.  Of course it isn’t, but it feels that way.  Must be my mother’s emotions rubbing off on me.

I really should go to sleep, I have to be up early tomorrow and it’s late already.  It might help if I were going straight to Syracuse, but there are so many other stops before I can settle there…I think that makes it harder.  Ah well.  Lake George will be familiar, and basically Syracuse is also home, so as soon as I get there things will be better.  On that comforting reflection, I go to bed.

–Stephanie

PS I forgot to mention, I saw Akio today!  For the first time in years.  I went and had lunch with Lauren, which was excellent but too brief, and then I met up with Akio for coffee (except we both drank tea).  It was interesting.  It was very odd at first, but he’s still the same Aki, our Aki…and when I’m with him I’m largely the same Stephanie, which was very interesting to me.  He still looks at me the same way, talks to me the same way.  My mother heard from Nan that he recently broke up with his girlfriend, which I figure is why he suddenly contacted me after so many years — not because he hopes for a relationship with me, but because he had feelings for me for so long, it’s probably a sense of normalcy in the wake of the chaos of a break-up.  It was nice.  We had a good time.  I gave myself an out at the beginning telling him I couldn’t stay long because I had to pack, but I stayed for a whole hour and a half and wasn’t anxious to go even then.  We had fun.  What a pleasant surprise 🙂