Missing
I miss Sam terribly. It was probably not helpful to have him actually living here for a week — the house feels empty without him, it’s like something that really belongs here has been taken away. And of course there are a thousand and one things I have to get done in these few days before I leave for the east…being distracted doesn’t make it any easier. The idea of not seeing him again until December is awful. I’ve been fighting with my mother about it quite a lot — she seems to believe that my being close to Sam will prevent me from ever, ever being in a romance with anyone else for the rest of my life. She even has arguments to support this. She says that Sam is my first love and there’s never anyone like that again, and having tasted this I’ll likely not be willing to settle for less in a serious, long-term relationship. And she says that no straight guy in his right mind is going to stay with me knowing how close I am with him. I don’t think that either of these things are true, as it happens — I don’t believe in an individual soul-mate for each person, I believe in soul-groups, and a person can connect and love like this with anyone in their group. That means that when I find the right person, or a right person, I’ll know it, because it will feel like this. And because I believe in these groups, I believe that the person I end up with will also understand this and thus will not be jealous of Sam — why be jealous of Sam? He’s gay. It’s not like I’m ever going to leave a boyfriend for him; obviously the person I’m with is the person I want to be with, or I wouldn’t be with them, so why worry about anyone else? At least, that’s the way it makes sense to me.
Secondly, even in the event that my mother should turn out to be right and my being together with Sam in the way that I am would stop me from entering into or holding onto a romance with someone else, I don’t see why this seems to suggest to her that I ought to distance myself from Sam. Because that places potential romances that don’t even exist over real loves that do. How does it make sense to sacrifice my relationship with Sam for a romance with someone I’ve never even met yet? It makes about as much sense as invading Iraq. The logic behind Iraq is, they may someday kill potential Americans, therefore we will, today, kill real Iraqis. The only way this is reasonable is if you value American life over Iraqi life. This is a significantly less extreme example of the same faulty reasoning — give up a real relationship because it might someday hamper a potential one. My relationship with Sam is the most beautiful and exceptional thing in my life right now. Give it up to try harder for something that I’ve been trying for for years with no success? Something the persuit of which does not make me happy? I just don’t get it.
On another subject, Solomon’s bris was on Wednesday, a very lovely affair. The actual operation was brief and surprisingly non-traumatic, he barely even cried; the brunch following it was really nice. The baby retired to his crib to sleep off the wine, and his big sister and her cousin dragged me around by the hand and took turns insisting that I carry them for a while. I also got to play with Sarah for a bit, which was really nice, I don’t get to do that very often.
So today I have to pack and run a few more errands before my father and brother leave for Ben’s school tomorrow, in my car. They’re driving my car out east while I finish my Groundlings class, or almost finish it, then my mother and I are flying out there to meet them on Wednesday. We’re driving from there to my school arriving Saturday; they leave for home on Sunday and I leave for Lake George to meet Elisabeth. On Wednesday I arrive back at school and have a few days to get my life set up before classes start. Observe, chaos. I’d be a lot more excited if I were keen to go back to school…I’m a little nervous about this semester and I don’t want to even see Robbie or have to paint my room or get my apartment set up, I don’t want to be taking 19 credits and doing 2 shows and reevaluating, I’ll have class at or before 9:00 every morning all semester and I miss Sam so badly and I just really don’t want to go. I’m sure it’ll all be great once I get there, I’m just not really that excited about it. Opening Marathon and seeing everyone again will probably change my mind.
I think that what it is is that I am more myself with Sam than I am with anyone else in the world, excepting Elisabeth — I wear masks with her too, but it’s OK because she knows what’s under them. So I am not hidden from her. But my behavior with her is not solid truth either. My friends at school do not know me as truly as Sam knows me, and I just spent a full week with him. I realize again that, as I said last year, saying goodbye to Sam is like dying.
I don’t want to be dead. I want to be live and myself and whole, and as much as I love Syracuse and the people there, I am not that with them. I’m getting closer, but it isn’t there yet and it probably pretty much never will be. It’ll be good to see Danny though. I’m pretty honest with him.
This is what it feels like to have a soul-mate. I miss my soul-mate. Very, very badly.
–Stephanie