Such company

So Sam is here.  Sam is very much here.  Sam comes over periodically and has dinner with my family and stays until 11:30.  Sam is wonderful.  As always, we just connect.  Brilliantly.  There has been a sort of scary possibility that this guy might be the love of my life.

He came out to me last week.

I was surprisingly not surprised.  I guess I had always known there was a strong chance he was gay.  Either he was the man I would marry or he was gay.  And he’s gay.  So that’s OK.

No, actually it really is.  Our friendship is even easier, even more relaxed.  The only thing that’s changed is that I don’t want to date him anymore.  You know, one of my top criteria for guys is that they be straight.  So that kinda takes him off the list.

Yes, it was a disappointment.  But I’m already over it.  It doesn’t touch our friendship.  I think it even broadens the range of topics we can comfortably discuss, or it will, with a little time.  I had my wisdom teeth out last week, so I haven’t seen much of him for the last 5 days, until yesterday when he came over again to see how I was doing, so there’s still a little adjusting that has to happen.  Also, he’s not going back to Canada.  He’s staying here in LA indefinitely.  So that means that we can see each other every time I come home.  It’s no longer a who-knows-where-or-when deal, he lives here, he lives in my city.  And we can keep each other.  Not the way I wanted, but the way we have, and the way we have is perfectly satisfactory.

When he left last night, as he got into his car, he waved and said "le’hitraot."  I taught him that word, the Hebrew word meaning "until we see each other again," at this time last summer, and he still remembers it.  He asked me if that was right.  I told him it was beautiful.

There is a song called "Joy" by Ricky Ian Gordon and Adam Guettel.  It is my current understanding of love.

I went to look for joy,
Slim, dancing joy.
I went to look for joy,
Bright-eyed joy.
And I found her,
Driving the butcher’s cart,
In the arms of the butcher boy.
Such company,
Such company,
As keeps this young nymph joy.
Such company,
Such company,
As keeps this young nymph joy.

He has amazing eyes.  I mean amazing.  He will always be one of the most special people in my life, until the day I die.  Such company.  But my butcher boy will have to be someone else.

–Stephanie