NoJoMo Day 13

I totally forgot to write yesterday….my mind was on vacation, I guess.

I’m not doing too well.  For the past several days I’ve been very weepy, and I don’t know why.  I miss my son, I feel like a loser for losing my job, I’m feeling guilty as hell for something I’m doing, but I don’t know if I want to stop.  I’m struggling to say my prayers at night because how can I pray and thank God for all my blessings and ask Him to forgive me of my sins when I’m doing something I know is wrong? 

I talked to my son earlier today and he told me he’s not sure he even believes in God anymore, which broke my heart.  Where did I go wrong?  He says he has too many questions and that there are too many things he doesn’t agree with when it comes to "religion."  I told him, I don’t buy into organized religion either, but I DO believe very much in God, that his son Jesus died for our sins.  There are things I also don’t understand, but it all boils down to faith….either you have it or you don’t.  I do.  And when Josh was little he used to tell us that Jesus lived in his heart.  Now he says if there IS a God, and if He’s as loving as I say He is, then He’ll forgive Josh for having doubts and not believing.  What the hell do I say to THAT?? 

I managed to shower today….go me.  And in about an hour I’m going to make ham and sweet cornbread and beans for dinner.  I have a shrink appointment tomorrow, which is much needed. 

If any of you are prayers, pray for me please.  I want the tears and the self-loathing to stop.  I want to love my life again.

I hope you’re all having a wonderful day….much love.  xoxo