NoJoMo Day 5

You’ll have to forgive me for missing day 4….we had major internet issues here.  We even went out and bought a new router, and that only made things worse!  Turns out it’s the modem, so Comcast will be out here on Thursday to replace it. 

Anyway, let me continue from where I left off….the birth of my son….

So I’ve just found out I’m pregnant, and I’m scared shitless.  I’ve contemplated abortion and adoption, but knew I couldn’t do either.  I finally just had to accept and get used to the fact that damn….I’m going to be a mom! 

Now, my husband (at the time) and I didn’t have a good marriage to begin with.  We were only 19 when we got married, and he was a major alcoholic, who was a mean drunk.  When he found out I was pregnant he was SO excited….he promised me, he swore to me, that things would get better, and I desperately clung to his promises.  And they were all bullshit.

Things got worse.  He drank more, and was very emotionally abusive.  He also got physically abusive.  He tried to push me down a flight of stairs, dragged me out of the car by my hair and threw me on the ground, would grab my arms so hard he left bruises…it was a nightmare.  I was a nervous wreck all of the time.  And all the while, I kept wondering if I would love this child, if I could be a good mom.

Pregnancy also brought on a lot of health issues.  I was hospitalized three times for kidney infections, and once for premature labor brought on because of a bladder infection.  I also developed gestational diabetes, and had to be put on insulin.  Now, I was not overweight when I got pregnant…I weighed 135 when I found out, and I only gained 28 pounds during my whole pregnancy, so weight had nothing to do with the diabetes.  It was like my body freaked out and didn’t know how to handle a pregnancy.  I had to see a specialist who kept me under very close observation throughout the pregnancy.  This doctor also decided that because of the diabetes and other issues, they would induce me two weeks early.

April 22, 1991….I went into the hospital early in the morning to be induced.  I got checked in, taken to my room, into the hospital gown, and hooked up to all the goodies, including the Pitocin, which is supposed to bring labor on.  I labored for 28 hours total, and during that time, every hour on the hour either a nurse or the doctor would come in and "check me"….a fancy term for sticking their hand up my crotch.  After a while I felt like I should just lay there with my legs open and call out "Next!"  The most I dilated was 1 1/2, which is so far away from the 10 we were shooting for!

Finally, the next morning, the doctor came in and cheerfully says "Good morning!  How are we doing today?"  My response?  "This is NOT working!"  The bitch nurse I had that morning looks at me and says "Now, what kind of attitude is that to have?"  I glared at her and thought bitch, come closer to me and I’m going to kick you in your fucking face!  But the doctor checked me, looked at the nurse and said "She’s right, it’s not working, get her ready for a c-section."  Ha!  Take that, bitch! 

After he told her to get me ready, I had no idea it would all go so fast!  The top of my pubic line was shaved, an IV was put in my back, and I was being wheeled to the operating room before I knew it.  They moved me to the operating table, and the anesthesiologist spread my arms out and strapped them down, and hooked up a heart monitor.  Right at that time it happened….major, horrible nausea.  Here I am, numb from the neck down, arms strapped down, and had to puke.  I kept telling the anesthesiologist "I’m going to throw up, I’m going to throw up!"  He finally believed me, but all he could do was turn my head, put a basin next to my face and watch me throw up for what seemed like forever.  It finally stopped, thank God!  Then the doctors and nurses came in, put the sheet up at my chest so I couldn’t see anything that was going on past the sheet, and got down to business. 

It took them less than 10 minutes to cut me open and wrestle the little booger out of me….and he came out howling!  I heard one of the doctor’s say "He’s a big boy!"  (the little oinker weighed 9 1/2 pounds!)  They gave him to the nurses, who took him to the little table they put the babies on to clean them out and off and take their vitals.  Everyone laughed a minute later when Josh peed all over one of the nurses…lol.  One of the perks of being an OB nurse!  Because I was still strapped down and being put back together, they handed Josh to my husband, who carried him over to me and held him up so I could see him.  I’ll never forget that…the first moment I laid eyes on my son.  He had one arm across his face like he was saying "Oy!  What a day!"  Then he was whisked off to the nursery. 

It only takes 10 minutes to cut you open and pull the baby out, but it takes about another 45 minutes to stitch the mom back up.  After they finally got done and moved me to the bed to wheel me to recovery, I started puking again…and again and again.  When I stopped, they could finally move me to recovery.  While I was in there, I begged one of the nurses to bring Josh back to me…I hadn’t even touched him yet!  She relented, and snuck him in to see me so I could stroke his cheek and kiss his head….then back to the nursery he went.  After an hour in recovery, they came to move me to my regular room….and the puking started again!  Turns out I had a bad reaction to the drug they put in the IV in your back to numb you, and I couldn”t stop throwing up.  When they got me to my regular room I still couldn’t stop throwing up, so the doctor came in, helped the nurse turn me on my side, and injected something in my IV to knock me out….and boy did it ever!  Josh was born at 10:40 a.m., and except for the brief minute in recovery when the nurse brought him to me, I didn’t get to see him again until 8:00 p.m….when I finally came out of my drug-induced sleep.  But the nausea was finally gone, thank goodness.

My friend Pam was in my room when they brought Josh to me that night.  Because I was still a little out of it, and hurting quite a bit, she picked him up and coo’d over him for a few minutes, then handed him to me.  I had my knees pulled up, so I laid him back on my legs, unwrapped his blanket, and marveled over his tiny fingers and toes, and his fat little cheeks….he was perfect!  Then he opened those enormous blue eyes and stared right at me….and we sat that way for the longest time, just looking at each other.  Then he opened his little mouth and yawned, and those big blue eyes closed again…..and I was utterly, hopelessly head over heels in love!  It hit me like a sledgehammer….this consuming, fierce, unconditional love….and the knowledge that I would gladly die for this little person in front of me. 

Unfortunately, his father abandoned us w

hen Josh was only six weeks old, but you know what?  It doesn’t matter.  All of the bad times, all of the constant worrying, it was all worth it, and I’d do it over again a million times for him.  God blessed me with this amazing child, and after he was born I knew that whatever happened, be it good or bad, that we would be okay, because we had each other, we had God, and life finally made sense.  That child is my greatest joy….my living, breathing miracle, and there’s not a day that goes by that I don’t thank God for him, for choosing me to be Josh’s mom.  I am truly blessed, and the luckiest woman on earth! 🙂