The girl with the flower tattoo…..cont.
So yes, I was pregnant. I wasn’t sure how to feel about it at first….my emotions flip-flopped a lot about it. See, when I was a teenager, I babysat a lot ,but I always said that I never wanted children of my own. I just could never see myself as a mother. And now that I was pregnant, I was feeling a lot of things, but mainly I was terrified! Would I be a good mom? Would Sterling be a good father? For that matter, would he even be around? Could we afford a baby? Hundreds of questions raced through my head, and I didn’t have an answer for any of them. I will admit, and am not proud of the fact, that for a couple of hours one day I even entertained the idea of having an abortion….but fear of God kept me from doing that. I’m not saying my way of thinking is right and yours is wrong, but I was raised to believe, and do believe, that abortion is a sin, plain and simple. It’s not a cell, it’s not a fetus….it’s a BABY. From the moment of conception on. And I knew, with every fiber of my being, that if I did have an abortion, that I would never be able to live with myself afterwards. So….I was going to have a baby!
As I said earlier, Sterling’s ship was out to sea when I found out, but they were able to make phone calls from the ship once in a great while. I wanted to be the one to tell him, of course. I think something as intimate as "we’re going to have a baby" should come from the wife, and no one else. But young, stupid me made the HUGE mistake of telling his mom before I got the chance to talk to him. I told her, I made her PROMISE me, that she would let me be the one to tell him, but the one night he tried to call me and couldn’t get ahold of me, he then called his mom and that bitch told him! I WAS FURIOUS!!! That was MY news to tell him….how dare she! I didn’t get over that for a looooooong time.
When Sterling’s ship got back to Little Creek I was there with all the other wives to greet our men and I was thrilled to see him! When he got home we talked and he told me things would get better….he promised! And I wish I could say they did, but if anything, they just got worse. We had fought a lot before I got pregnant, but it became more frequent and more violent afterwards. It’s funny, in a way, because before I got pregnant, he never laid a hand on me. He was verbally and emotionally abusive, but never physically. But after I was pregnant…..that changed too. He would push me, pinch me, grab me so hard it would leave bruises. One time he tried to push me down a flight of stairs. Another time he dragged me out of our car by my hair and threw me down on the ground. And his drinking and staying out with the "boys" became much more frequent. There were many nights he came home, so wasted I had to put him in bed, and then I would find his wedding ring in his pants pocket. Of course he always had an excuse…..and me, being young, pregnant, scared, and with no family around, always chose to believe him. Over the course of my pregnancy he threatened to leave me six times, but we always managed to kiss and make up.
I was induced on Monday, April 22, 1991, but ended up having to have a C-Section on Tuesday morning, April 23. My baby boy, J, was born at 10:40 a.m., and aside from doctors and nurses, Sterling was the first person to hold him. Sterling was in the room for the whole thing. He carried him over to me so I could look at him and nuzzle his cheek with my own, then he and the nurses took J to the nursery. After I was put back together again I was wheeled into the recovery room, where I begged a nurse to bring my baby to me. She wasn’t supposed to, but she snuck him in to me for a few minutes so I could look at him some more. I couldn’t hold him yet because I was still numb from the shoulders down, but I saw those humongous blue eyes and fell madly, utterly, completely in love….the purest form of love I have ever felt in my life. After the nurse took him back to the nursery, I started having adverse reactions to the anesthesia….I started throwing up and couldn’t stop. I was still throwing up after they got me in my room, so the doctor had to come give me a shot of something to make it stop. It also knocked me out. I wasn’t able to see my baby until 8:00 p.m. that night, when my friend Pam was in my room with me. The nurse wheeled him down to me, and I was able to keep him in my room for about an hour. At the hospital I had him in, C-Section babies had to stay in the nursery at night because the moms really needed their rest because our recovery process takes longer….and is a lot more painful. So Pam gushed over him for a few minutes, then picked him up and handed him to me. After that, everything felt surreal. I remember just staring at him, thinking….you are mine! You grew in my belly….I felt you kick and move and hiccup…..you are my son, forever and always. For the rest of the time I was in the hospital, every time the nurse brought J to me, I would bring him to bed with me, feed him, then we would stare at each other and then usually fall asleep together…lol. It was wonderful!
My mom had told me that she didn’t want to fly out right when I had the baby, but that she wanted to come the day I went home so she could be there to help me. That was A-okay with me….I was going to need all the help I could get. I had NO CLUE what to do with a baby…especially a newborn! So she and my sister flew in the Friday after J was born, which was the day I was going home. I’ll be perfectly honest….I didn’t want my sister there. I wanted my mom, period. I wanted it to be just me, my mom and J. Sterling was at work on the ship every day, so even he wasn’t going to be around. But at the last minute my sister decides that she needs to come too, and paid for her own ticket, so my mom didn’t have th heart to tell her no.
When Sterling picked my mom and Stacey up from the airport, I was still at the hopsital. I wasn’t being released for a few more hours, so he brought them to the hospital. The first thing my sister said to me when she walked in my room, and this is the God’s honest truth, was "I thought you said you’d gotten thinner since having the baby." I just stared at her…..I honestly didn’t know how to react to that. So my mom defended me and kinda scolded her, then Stacey pulled the cot out of the chair in my room and promptly fell asleep. She had been at work the night before so she was exhausted. That was fine with me! The Celebration Lunch was brought up, which was filet mignon, baked potato, veggies, and dessert, and since they bring up two lunches, one for mom and one for dad, and Sterling had had to go back to the ship, mom ate the other meal…lol. Then J was broug
ht to my room so we could get him ready to go. Mom held him and cried and couldn’t stop kissing him. It made me cry just to watch it.
It was beyond wonderful having my mother there that week! I honestly don’t know what I would have done without her. She taught me how to bathe him, how to make bottles….everything! She took us shopping and J got a new carseat, a new stroller, and his very first pair of shoes (which I still have!)….Nike Air Jordans! LOL!! They are the tiniest, cutest things ever! The day I took her and Stacey to the airport to go home, mom and I hugged and cried so hard we could hardly breathe. I wanted to beg her to take me home with her! I was scared of being left alone with this little baby and Sterling. He had been on his best behavior while mom was there, but I knew it wouldn’t last once she was gone.
Stacey had been on pretty good behavior as well…..for the most part. She did hook up with one of the guys on Sterling’s ship and sleep with him. She also got in a few digs at me about my clothes and shoes, which really pissed my Aunt Deanne off. Deanne lived in Maryland at the time so she drove down to see all of us when my mom was there. Other than that, Stacey laid out on the beach or by the pool and stayed out of the way. I’m glad, because I REALLY needed that time with my mom!
For a few weeks after J was born, Sterling was like a different person. I think being in the room and actually seeing his child come into the world did something to him. He was kinder, gentler…..it really was wonderful. But, as always, it didn’t last. And this is where the beginning of the end started.
Sterling’s ship was supposed to be going out to sea for six months. I didn’t want to be alone in VA, with only one friend there (Misty, who saved my sanity on more than one occasion!), and NO family, for that long. So we decided that I would move back to Indiana with the baby, and then when the ship got back, we’d figure out what to do then. Sounds simple, right? I wish. We gave up our apartment and moved in with Misty and her husband AJ, who was also on the same ship with Sterling. Misty was pregnant and leaving to go home to Oklahoma in a few weeks, when the ship left, and I was going to leave for Indiana at the same time. Everything went great for a while. Misty and AJ’s house was big….Sterling and I had our own room downstairs while their bedroom was upstairs, and Misty and I really got along soooooo well! Then one night everything exploded. Sterling got drunk, and we got into it, as was always the case when he got drunk. I told him I didn’t want to be married to him anymore if this was going to always happen, and he took the car and left. The next day he came back, and when he did I took the car keys from him, hid them, and locked the car. That car was supposed to get me to Indiana, and there was no way I was letting him take it. But I made two costly mistakes…..I left the hatchback unlocked, and I left my wallet, which had $500 in it, all the money I had, in the car. Sterling figured out the hatchback was unlocked pretty quickly, got in, found my wallet, and took the money out of it. He refused to give me any. I told him J had two cans of formula and four diapers left, and his EXACT response was "That’s not my fucking problem anymore, is it?" I was literally stunned speechless. This was his CHILD we were talking about! And he didn’t care if he didn’t have food or diapers???? So anyway, he’d been trying to find the keys and I wouldn’t tell him where they were. So his stupid ass busts off the casing around the steering column and hotwires the car. Now, once he got the car running, AJ (Misty’s husband) had finally had enough. He stood between Sterling and the car and told him, flat out, you are not going anywhere until you give her money for that baby. So Sterling turns around to a guy named Kenny (also a loser from that ship) and starts talking stupid….like "now Kenny, don’t let me beat up AJ too badly now"…..big talk from a drunk. While he’s doing this, AJ comes up behind Sterling and decked him! I mean right upside his head!! LOL! Of course I wasn’t laughing at the time, I was in shock. Misty starts screaming at me to go get J when Sterling falls into Misty and grabs hold of her leg and won’t let go. So AJ starts beating on him that much more to get him off his wife. Misty gets up, runs inside and grabs J, and we ran across the street to use the payphone to call the cops. Misty handed J to me while she was on the phone, when all of a sudden Sterling starts walking across the street towards us. I kept saying "Misty, he’s coming…..Misty, he’s coming!" Misty screams at Kenny to stop him, and Kenny, that useless piece of shit, starts SLOWLY WALKING across the street towards us, even as he sees Sterling start to run at us! Sterling yelled at Misty to hang up the phone, then hauled off and punched me right in the face….with my baby in my arms! I gripped tighter onto J even as I fell back against the wall, and Sterling reached down and cocked his fist back to hit me again. Only NOW Kenny gets to him and pulls him off of me. Gee, thanks Kenny….your timing was impeccable! Asshole.
Anyway, the cops came. They talked to Sterling first, and when they got to me they were all but outright rude. They wouldn’t make him give me the money back, they told me if I pressed charges, nothing would happen, and one of them literally rolled his eyes at me when I tried to explain everything to him! Norfolk’s finest, let me tell you! So I didn’t press charges, and they took Sterling back to the ship.
Misty left the next day, and I was all alone in that house with Misty’s husband AJ, who was always respectful and nice to me, thank goodness. But AJ liked to drink and party too, so the few nights I was there after Misty left, there were guys from the ship over every night, drinking, and playing loud music until late into the night. They all knew what Sterling had done to me, but none of them gave a shit. Sterling never showed up again while I was there. But one night, while the usual idiots were there drinking and listening to music out front, I was in my room asleep, with J in his little porta-crib at the foot of my bed, when I woke up and one of the drunk idiots WAS IN MY BED WITH ME!! I asked him what the fuck he was doing and he kept trying to shush me and cover my mouth. I pushed him out of the bed and started screaming….unfortunately waking J up and scaring the shit out of him…..and AJ and a bunch of other guys came running in. I’m standing on my bed pointing to this guy and screaming that he was in my bed…he was in my bed!! AJ and another guy grabbed him and literally threw him out of the house! Today I still wonder…..what the FUCK w
as that idiot thinking????
Now, remember I told you how my sister had hooked up with a guy on Sterling’s ship when she came out to visit after I had J? Well, a few weeks after she went home, she decides that she needs to come to VA to be close to me and help me out with the baby. Yeah, right. I hardly ever saw her when she got out there! At first she lived with the guy, we’ll call him F, then she moved into an apartment with another guy from the ship. Now, that was just platonic, seriously. She and F were still an item, but he didn’t want her living with him, so she and this other guy got a two bedroom apartment together and they each had their own room. But anyway, after the incident with the drunk in my bed at AJ’s house, I moved in with my sister. Stacey worked, but she came home drunk most nights. I didn’t have a car, but she did, but she never let me use it. I was stuck in that apartment, all day, every day, with J, with nothing to do and nowhere to go. Nobody in my family did anything for me. I had made my bed, now I had to lie in it, and fix this mess on my own.
I then found out that Sterling had shown up at AJ"s house after I moved out, drunk, and looking for a fight…with me, preferably. I wasn’t there, so he did a completely vile thing that I will NEVER forgive him for. See, when I had moved out of AJ’s I had had to leave Josh’s big crib, which had been taken apart and not put back together since he slept in his porta-crib at AJ’s. But it was still at AJ’s cuz when the plan was still for me to go to Indiana, I was going to take his big crib with me. So it was still at AJ’s, just waiting for me to come get it. The night Sterling showed up drunk and mean and couldn’t find me, he went into what had been our room, saw that Josh’s crib was still there, and smashed it into hundreds of little pieces…..completely destroyed it. His own son’s bed. My father had bought that crib for us. It was the kind that turned into a toddler bed, and then a twin bed, as the child grew. It was a beautiful, expensive crib…..and he demolished it. I think that, right there, hurt me more than anything he had ever done to me. Do what you want to me because I’m a grown woman and I can take it….but to destroy the bed that your son slept in? How could he??
After a few nights at Stacey’s, another friend of mine, we’ll call her Renee, whose husband Jim was ALSO on the same ship…lol….came and got me and told me that I was going to stay with her and Jim until I could figure out what I was going to do. I thank God for Renee during that time! She didn’t work during the day, so she was able to take me places and to run errands. I tried everything I could to get Sterling to give me money, but nothing worked. I even talked to the XO and Captain of his ship and they told me….and I kid you not….that there was nothing they could do to make him give me any money, even for our child. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME???? If I had known what I know today, you’d better believe they would’ve found a way to make him give me money, because I would have raised hell all over that fucking base until they did! But I was tired, I was alone (so to speak) and I felt defeated. My last option was to go to some department in the Navy, I can’t remember what it was, and they gave me a plane ticket to Texas and $200 to help out. That was all the help I was going to get from the Navy.
Now, why Texas, you ask? Well, not one person in my entire family wanted to help, or wanted me to come live with them since I didn’t have a car or a job. But Wilson, Sterling’s cousin, and his girlfriend Catina (remember I mentioned they were there when we got married) lived in Texas and told me to come down, that they would help me…..so I went to Texas. I didn’t last too long, but I made some progress. I got a job, but unfortunately it was 3rd shift. I worked all night, then came home to a baby who had just woken up! It was HARD, but I managed to do it for a while. I also had a tremendous support system in a friend I made down there, her name was Noelle, and her husband Chris. Wilson and Catina had had to move (due to Wilson’s job) not too long after I got there, so Noelle told me immediately that J and I would live with her and Chris. I had met Noelle through Catina and she had helped me get the job at the hospital. She and Chris watched my baby all night while I worked, let us live with them, and NEVER charged me one dime! She was a God-send…..an angel sent to me by God during my time of need. I could never in a million years repay her for all she did for me and J during that time.
But anyway, after four months in Texas, which was during the summer and I felt like I was going to positively melt!!….my mom and I, who had talked almost every day the whole time I was down there, decided I should move back to Illinois to be close to her and Tom, my stepdad, so they could help. I think she also felt extremely guilty for not helping when everything came crashing down on me in VA…but who knows? So I moved back to IL, made some dumb mistakes, which I won’t go into right now, but got a job and my own little apartment, found a great daycare for J, and life was looking pretty good. I was lonely, but it was okay. All that mattered to me was that Josh was being taken care of and safe and happy.
And that, I’m afraid, is all for now. It’s getting late, and I need some sleep. But fear not, I will return and there will be more! 🙂