12/19/04

what is it about me that is sooo incredibly fucked up?

—

last night I went to the gate for ‘the jeremy curran project’ which was really just adam braekmans desire to play music for awhile for an audience. 

As i walked over there, alone, I nearly broke down and turned back…As i walked up the stairs on the porch i actually told myself, ‘now put on the happy face and try to have fun’ … and i opened the door, smiled and acted perky for awhile…

by the time the show was over, i pretty much lost the fake act… actually, i almost broke down during the show… somebody in particular was affecting me again… which i know it shouldn’t.  I tell myself that i’m over that one… that it shouldn’t bother me…. and yet when i see him standing across the room… also leaning up against a wall by himself, i cant help but deeply desire to go over to him.  but i know that’s not meant to be.

and then afterwards during the party upstairs, i realized that it just isn’t as fun as it used to be… it is as if i’ve regressed back to the parties from freshman year… i might as well just sit on the couch by myself rather than making some occasional small talk with people as we pass eachother by.

and then i dance.  i guess i use the dancing at the gate as an excuse for not having anyone to talk to … i can dance and feel okay for awhile.

and then i hung out with mikey for awhile.  which i dont know if i should have.  that issue is an entire problem seperate from everything else.  as it goes, my brain tells me that he’s completely wrong for me, but something else about him just makes me smile.

and then somedays i wonder how the hell to tell myself that i need somebody in particular… and not just anybody.  Sometimes i just desire the warmth of another that i think i start to forget that these are real people i’m dealing with… that and there are consequences for my actions.  I need to be more careful… but its possible that being more careful will result in being more alone.

and we all know that im hating being alone.

i think i’m going to go to sleep now and forget it all.

i can tell its nearing break… i’m sleeping ALOT more than i should… my life is shutting down.

d.