been a long time coming

It’s been a long time since I have written.

I am at work right now, so I probably won’t make this as long as I want…

Lets go back to the summer.. When I moved out to my friend’s house, Matt and I started seeing each other… He had "cleared" his mind and decided he wouldn’t be drinking anymore. Not for us but for him. Obviously I was hestitant… we got back together and things were pretty good. We hung out, we had sex, we talked. We weren’t 100% but we were getting there. We still had issues like he wouldn’t hang out at my house (I lived with 4 other people). But we had a lot of nice dates and hang outs.

When I decided I was moving out of my friend’s house I had an awkward time where I was moving from there to my dad’s for 2 weeks then my apartment. While that was happening I spent most nights with Matt, things were good. Things got weird once I moved into my apartment on my own.

I remember the first night he came over, I had just moved in that weekend and he was stoned (which he got high all the time because he wouldn’t drink). I was annoyed because we danced around him coming over and he finally did… When he showed up he tried to leave right away it was weird. I convinced him to come in and stay blah blah… then he was trying to scare me so I told him to stop but that meant do it more. So I said if he didn’t stop he should leave… so he did. Then he tried to say I threw him out, he had to walk home in the rain (which I offered to drive him home)

That was where it all started to get weird.

When I moved to Park St I was loving it (and still do) I finally had my own place to call home, I could do what I wanted, keep it as clean or messy as I wanted and do things on my terms completely. I am very happy I moved.

However, I think that move made things between Matt and I very odd… there was lots of nights where we hung out and it was weird… it was a big struggle to actually hang out and when we did it wasn’t really quality hangouts. I would suggest cooking dinner and when we were to hang out he was already cooking dinner then he would go to bed instantly… things between us just dwindled. There was a big fight over a wedding he went to for his cousin. He didn’t invite me along, and had predecided I didn’t want to go. But the real case was I was asking to go and he wouldnt give me an answer… turns out he just went and told me that day he was there.

I was very hurt by this because I was wondering why he wouldn’t want me there? found out he had drank… it made me really question things. Were we not hangin out as much because he was drinking? I knew he was stoned a lot… which I can’t say much because I like to smoke pot, but with him when he is high it reminds me of his drunkeness and all of those horrible nights at the apartment.

He also had a few times where he would tell me I was cheating on him and asking who the other guy was, which I was and never had cheated on him. I thought he broke up with me but then he would take it back the next day or say it wasn’t what he meant. These types of messages were all through texting and hard to decipher.

Basically after months of being weird and awkward and things dwindling.. I broke up with him.

When I look back on it, I know he loved me so much, and I loved him. I don’t know if it was realizing how different we really were? Or maybe were we always like that and my love for him blinded me to it? It’s just so hard because we were amazing together for the first year. But at the same time we had a lot of issues. It’s so complicated. I could write days on the topic. I wish we could be the way we were all the time, but I think I held on to that too much. I know he stopped drinking for me, not for him.. .that was evident after we broke up because he is drunk all the time now. Thanks facebook for the updates!

I just think he would have kept the relationship forever even though it had gone to shit. Which is nice in a way, I know how much he really loves me. But I can;t live a life of unhappiness like that. I wasn’t happy, I wanted more, I am still not sure what exactly that is. I do know I did not want to be treated the way I was… I don;t want to have to worry if he is drunk or stoned and worry about the night like that.

                                                                   

Now off that topic… I am loving living on my own. I really have started to embrace having me time and relaxing.

Mind you the past 2 months I have been partying a lot. I have had so much fun, I go out partying 2 times a week usually, it has been fun. I have evolved as a person from last year to this year… not because of the partying but with everything. I am not the same elisa I once was, I have learned from mistakes, made plenty but am more clear headed.

I want to be happy, I eventually want to find someone to marry and have kids with one day. Right now I am just enjoying being single and having fun.

I have a guy who I am hooking up with… I joke and said I was going to "climb that tree" and ever since then we have hooked up quite a few times. He and I won’t amount to anything, and if we did it would be in time.. but right now its fun, Amy and I go out and party. Have a great night, if we see the boys out and B is there we go home together… we haven’t hooked up each time, just cuddled a few times when I told him I had to get up early. It’s been fun.

I don’t get the dating game or the way to talk to guys… that I am naiive to. I know B and I are just a hook up but then I start to question if he likes me or not because of some texts but I am just playing it how it goes.

I might have a date this week. This guy S asked me to go for drinks sometime this week. I am going to go and get to know him, I am excited because I am 26 and I have never dated. I have never been on a date with someone I do not know.. so it will be fun to try 🙂 I have always been a relationship girl… which is a downfall because I think thats why I look into B’s texts more in depth than I should…

My mind is so all over the place I have a million things to say but I can’t I need to get back to work.

Quick recap:

-Matt and I broke up
-I’m single and happy, adjusting still
-I got a new apartment, brought my cat Monster and got a kitten.. which I named kitten! They love each other
-my family is doing great, Noah is 3 and a half years old now and Kasey is turning 1 year this Wednesday! 
-My sister and I spent since last April (when my grandma passed away) condensing and organizing all of my grandmas old things and we made two amazing scrapbooks, its been a fun process. We hangout every wednesday doing "babi" (grandma) stuff
-School is going really well, I am in college full time doing Office Admin I will be doing medical and legal focus next year. I am at the top of my class and am really enjoying it