This week…
This week started out amazingly. I met with my career advisor at my school. I don’t know if she is that positive and uplifting with everyone but holy shit, I walked away thinking I can do anything. She told me I’m a whole-package deal and that with my experience (what experience?…I never looked at it in such a positive way) I could be in director positions soon and that I could have a management position in my field before graduating. (!!!!)
I don’t know how to handle shit like this. I am anxious and insecure as fuck! I don’t think I’m the worst but I don’t know how to sell myself as any of what she said but it was nice that someone told me I could be more than I see myself as. I just need to figure it out. But I walked away not fearing for my future and my ability to provide for my family as much as when I walked in.
Then I leave the meeting to a text message from my dad that he was signing papers on the closing of the house he’s selling was going to happen the next day. He told me he was leaving as soon as he was done signing the closing papers. He made no attempts to see my girls before he left. Nothing. We’ve been back in town for 2 months…he made zero effort to visit with us. He came to his doctor’s appointments that were less than 3 miles from our place and never stopped by to see us.
He left the state to move 3,000 miles away without saying goodbye to his granddaughters. He made no effort. And this shit slipped me back into this vicious cycle I was stuck in as a kid. I sat for over 3 hours last night playing in my head all the ways I had been hurt by him and how much I feel that something is obviously wrong with me. Over and over again, how I’m not worth it. The OCD wouldn’t fucking shut up.
He never tries. He abandons and now they know that pain. They waited with anticipation last year as he was driving to move here after he promised that we would be a family close by, we would spend holidays together and they’d have sleepovers. And he left. He stomped on those promises of the future and stomped on their hearts.
I am fuming.
I.
Do.
Not.
Know.
How.
To.
Process.
This.
Anger!
The snowball won’t stop and I want to scream and hit things.
I hate this place. And I hate myself for letting this happen. 🙁
I never should have trusted him with their hearts.
I can’t get past this. 🙁