Don’t tell anyone, but…

I’m back, briefly. It was getting to be too long a time and people would start to forget i exist so it had to be done.

I went home for Xmas and New Year. My sister was still on honeymoon in New Zealand so it was just Mum, Dad, the sheep and me. It was nice, quiet, the usual food. The only presents under the tree were from Mum and Dad to me. To be honest, it almost didn’t really seem to be Christmas, it was just another day, I even got some revision done. New Year was the usual, nothing really happened. Food was a little difficult – the first meal when i got home i managed about a quarter of it and then actually almost threw up right at the table because i’d had to really force myself to get that much down, so Mum started telling me it had almost no calories in it, as if that made any difference. Anyway, thereafter the portions became about half the size, so it got easier, although i still struggled a bit.

I was back to work on 2nd janurary. I am having the ‘revision course’ which is lectures from 8.30am to 6pm six days a week. You cannot imagine how tiring it is until you’ve tried doing that, and then of course i’m supposed to come home and revise. I’ve just been coming home and collapsing instead.

I didn;t contact paul at all for over a week, including not even texting him on xmas day, and sure enough, he eventually texted me, and then started texting repeatedly when i still didnt reply. it felt really good for him to be the one chasing me for a change. He came to visit me on my second night back, after i was completely braindead from the zillion hours of lectures i’d just had, and he spent about 3 hours rubbing my back (which i have to say i love) and trying to get me to have sex with him. Eventually it got me really pissed off and we spent the final hour having a massive fight, and of course, just him trying to tell me that it somehow isnt a bad thing that he is deeply in love with the other girl. It ended with me refusing to say bye or hug him or even look at him.

He texted me the next day saying he’s worried about me (we’d had to go over the whole – your boobs are smaller, you’re loosing weight, you’re too skinny thing again), and that he doesnt want to lose me, and we decided he’d come and visit again a couple of days later, which he did. To cut a long story short, we had sex. He was all happy about it, but then of course, since that he has completely ignored me for 2 days, and only spoken to me for maybe 5 minutes the other days. The reason he had the time to come and visit me those 2 times (and probably why he wanted sex so bad) was that the other girl had gone back to france for  a bit, but of course she is now back so i’m ignored again.

However, whereas before i would have been beside myself with upsetness, now i’m finding it kinda hard to care.

And that is of course because my finals begin on Monday, and i have never been so scared or so unprepared for anything. There are such enormous amounts of things i just do not know still, and i’m at the kind of level of scaredness that it’s paralysing me and i actually cant revise because i am too scared. It’s not going to be good.

I found out today that i’ve been accepted into my top choice for jobs, so i will be in the Oxford Foundation School. Now i have to apply for the specific rotations and hospitals, but that’ll have to wait until after exams.

I’ve also booked my flights for my 8 weeks elective (holiday!!) in St Kitts. They cost £672. I feel a little ill even thinking about it. But hey, when you’ve already got tens of thousands of pounds of debt, does it really make that much difference?

Right, must get on. It upsets me that i’m not really having to time to read every entry that everyone writes, but i will catch up later. See you the other side of finals!