wedding bells

I went up to my sister’s wedding this weekend, starting with a very long train journey and then a meal to meet the bridesmaids and the grooms family on friday. No sleep at all on friday night because there was another wedding at the hotel being very noisy.

Up early on Saturday to go to the hairdresser. It took 26 pins and half a bottle of hairspray to get my hair up. I dont think it looked very nice – it was very 80s and beehive-ish, but ok i guess. From then on i wasnt able to move my head at all because of the risk of it all falling out.

Back to the hotel and getting changed into dresses and getting my sister dressed. About 50 pieces of double sided tape to stop my dress falling down. Then posing for photos around the hotel.

Then in the antique car to the wedding around some very dangerous, edge of cliff, middle of nowhere roads. Got to the church, very short ceremony, just a civil thing, then more pictures outside in the absolute freezing cold, hypothermia starting to set in.

Then the meal, on the table with the other bridesmaids and their partners, then the reception with a frank sinatra band and then a disco until 1am when the taxi finally came to drive us home and i could take my hair out and move my head again.

Next morning up super early to catch the train back via london. Sat next to a crazy man having a pyschotic episode – rocking, flicking his fingers, making a high pitched whining noise. Very scary.

Then yesterday i had my mock practical exam which was in the evening and about an hour and half’s drive away. It went ok mainly because it wasnt at all formal or anywhere near as difficult as the real thing will be. Then had to go to a pub for a drink with everyone as i was sharing a lift back, so another very late night.

Now after the facts, the parts of the wedding that will stay with me.

1. Dad being so nervous he was actually getting short of breath and i honestly thought he was having a heart attack at points.

2. Mum refusing to eat anything the entire weekend, and saying that every single thing was horrible.

3. Not knowing anyone there but mum, dad and my sister, so literally sitting on my own for 7 hours during the evening.

4. Being alone. So very very alone. All the other bridesmaids were already married. At the meal, it was each of them in their pairs at the table and me on my own. When taking the photos, each bridesmaid got taken with her partner, and the photographer started shouting across the courtyard in front of all the guests "final bridesmaid, where’s your partner?" and then just not understanding that i didnt have one so that having to go on for about 5 minutes in front of everyone. everyone else sharing a double room while i had to go to my room on my own, having no-one to help me into my dress, no-one to help me take my hair down. during the dances, having no-one to dance with. And it wasnt just the bridesmaids, because everyone had travelled a long way to get there, i’m not kidding, every single guest had come as part of a pair. I looked SO out of place and pathetic.

And then, even on the train up i was sat next a guy. He was travelling alone but i saw him texting "hey baby, i was just thinking of you". Of course, no-one would ever send me a text saying something like that. On the initial train back, sat next to another guy on his own. He walked off the train into the arms of a girl. There was even a mentally retarded guy on the train, and without meaning to sound horrifically rude and prejudiced, even he walked off the train to some girl who gave him a massive kiss and walked off with her arm round him.

And then of course the actual bride and groom and seeing how much they loved each other. And just the vows he wrote for her saying he would love her forever and look after her and care for her and protect her. And in his speech he was saying that love is when you cant stand being away from someone any length of time and you couldnt go a single day without getting in touch with them. That is how i KNOW no-one loves me.

And i come home to my empty room. And no-one even wants to talk to me on messenger, even if it’s been ages since we have. No-one would ever think to text me just to say they are missing me. No-one would ever even think of me unless i either bullied them into it or there was no-one better about.

And of course, by someone, i mean one certain someone.