Panic

I went to stay with Paul this weekend. Actually from Thursday through to Sunday, so a long weekend. I didn’t eat for a couple of days, then eventually did, and then properly freaked out about it and was sobbing and threatening to cut myself, and all this needy bollocks that i do every so often. It was the middle of the night by this time, so basically he physically put me into bed on the opposite side to normal so he was between me and the door (which leads to where the knives/razors are), and pretty much just waited for me to calm down. I don’t know, lots happened this weekend. To be honest, I’m falling in love with him, but it’s just so messed up, especially if you look at how it all started and how i’ve felt about him for the last year. But he’s decided to try and work on s*x with me and try to get me to actually enjoy it, or at least not totally freak out every time it happens.

However, looking at things the other way, while i was there i discovered a girls’ earrings and top, and when i sneakily looked on his phone he had a recent picture of a girl in just underwear sleeping in his bed, so it appears he’s even messing around with more than the french girl who i already know about. I didn’t even bother to raise the subject with him. He also still forced me to have a lot more sex than i could handle, and he was really, really rough and hurt me pretty badly. He also hasn’t got in contact with me since, which is hard because i’ve been trying so hard to learn to trust him and to open up and let him help me with my issues, and then i just dont hear from him again for a couple of months, and it makes things very hard.

Since I came back on Sunday night i’ve had a full blown panic attack every night, and to be honest i’m kinda freaking out right now too. On Monday night I was in Stoke Mandeville staying at the hospital where i’m meant to be working, and i honestly was freaking out so much i was scared and considering ringing my parents even though i’m terrified of them knowing about things and it was the middle of the night.  Anyway, i got someone to sign my logbook even though i’d only been in for one clinic out of 3 whole weeks i was mean to have stayed htere, so i’m back in oxford again now, but it’s actually not helping. I freaked out last night, and now i’m freaking out now too. I don’t even really know what about, i just know i was paul was here to help me calm down, and then i think that thinking that thought is adding to my panic, because i don’t want to feel nicely towards to him. I think things’ll be better next week when i actually start doing some work again, even if it’s just because i’m back to being physically exhausted and not having the energy to freak out, but right now, things are really bad, and i am serioudly considering hurting myself badly enough to end up in hospital if not dead.

I hate sounding melodramatic about all this. I was considering going to the doctor and asking to go back on the antidepressants, because i’m fairly certin i’m depressed (and they’d also help with my horrific levels of anxiety), but there are no appointments till next week, and then i have to go back to work so couldnt go to the doctor anyway. I think things will be ok, it’s just that i am slap bang in the middle of panicing right now, and i guess that means it’s not looking good to me right now.

And it definitely isnt helping that the only thought going through my mind is that i need paul right now. I dont want to need him. It’s because he’s gotten too close and is helping me with sex and eating and cutting myself, but then he goes away to some other girl and i’m left on my own, and those wounds are still ripped open, only he isnt there anymore to help me through them, and i’m scared, and i dont know what to do.

So, to be practical, what i probably will actually do is text him something bland like i miss him and not actually telling him i’m falling apart (like i have the last 3 nights – no reply), then cook and eat a whole mountain of food, then probably pass out from the resultant hyperglycaemia, then wake up in the morning still freaking out and walk blankly through town all day until the crisis really builds up again in the evening. That’s how things have been these last few days.

I’m scared.