all in your mind

Today I went for my follow-up appointment with my GP. The lady who I had seen and who was supposed to be finding out how I get in touch with the college counsellor was sick, so I had been rearranged to see another doctor – old and male.

I had to wait about an hour for the appointment due to the change of doctor, which also meant I missed one and a half of today’s lectures through no fault of my own. The surgery also told me that i was no longer registered with them, which is strange seeing as i keep going there, but basically I just had to re-register.

So anyway, i went and saw the doctor and he was quite friendly and supportive. it obviously said on the computer a few patchy details such as rape and abuse, not coping. So anyway, I explained how badly it was affecting work and that my consultant had basically told me to pull myself together or leave. I explained about not being able to sleep or eat or generally leave my bed.

He listened and seemed sympathetic to everything. I practically listed the DSM-IV criteria for severe depression to him (the system used by doctors to diagnose these things) since everything in it is true, and basically, all he really had to say at the end of it was to ask if i thought it was possible that recently starting the pill could be responsible for my mood.

I was kinda thrown by that. I said it might be more something to do with life events, especially since i find myself mulling over thoughts of child abuse approximately 23 hours a day. He accepted that, and then told me that medical students practically all go through dark patches and it always gets better again.

I was getting a bit exasperated by this point. I’m self harming practically daily, i’m on the verge of being kicked out of medicine, i’m still seeing the guy, i’m unable to sleep, leave my bed or anything. I NEED some form of help. So I told him it wasn;t getting better and it was infact getting worse. He acknowledged everything I said, but then seemed to kind of gloss over it all.

I told him my clinical tutor who is a psychiatrist had told me he considered me to be severely depressed and would benefit from intensive treatment of antidepressants, CBT and seeing a counsellor if I hoped to pull things together again.

He said he understood that medical students were very much against going on antidepressants. I told him in the past i would have been but right now i’m willing to try absolutely anything, i just need something to make things a bit better. He just kept saying medical students didn’t like them, and so I just gave up and said, "The NICE guidelines state that antidepressants aren’t indicated in mild or moderate depression anyway." and he was thrilled by that and said it was great to hear that new doctors were on top of the modern trends.

I then brought up that my other doctor had been looking into getting me a counsellor and he just said that there was no note left of that, but he would try and get in touch with the practice counsellor and they would be in touch in time. I know that the waiting list is 6 months so i’m not holding my breath.

So he told me to just see how things go. He’d obviously convinced it’ll all be fine very soon. He told me to come back in a week and see the lady doctor again, so I’ve made an appointment for next Thursday, just before my parents come to stay, when obviously i wont be able to do anything.

So the general medical opinion is that this is all due to hormonal imbalances from starting the pill.

Why don’t I just go and slit my wrists a few more times.