1.30am

I met a guy last night. At 1.30am. Back to the old ways, the things that make me, me.

He’s a student here, and I’ve been speaking to him online for months and he;s been asking me to meet him for months and i’ve been saying no for months.

Last night i was in a good mood. I’d been dancing round my room for ages and was kinda hyper, so i finally agreed.

He came over about 1.30. We chatted for a bit, which was really him interrogating me as to why i hadnt met him and lots and lots of other things like what i thought of him, how attractive he was. He’s a lawyer and you could tell, he wouldnt let any answer go and every question was followed by supplementary questions.

Anyway, after a while he came and started giving me a massage which felt okish. He then sat down in my chair and I gave him one briefly. He kinda grabbed me and pulled me round to sit on his lap. I wasn’t really having any of that though, so i got up and went and sat in a chair across the other side of the room.

The chair he was on has wheels, so he wheeled over right next to me and started stroking my thigh under my skirt while talking to me. I decided to let that slide, it did feel kinda nice, but his hand kept on creeping higher, and i have my period at the moment so i really didnt want him to go there, so i had to keep pushing him off me. He tried kissing my neck and then lifted up my top and kissed my tummy, but i really just didnt want it to happen and was very uncomfortable so pushed him off repeatedly. He told me i was a bundle of nervous energy and needed to relax a bit. It’s true i was sitting there with all my muscles tense and arms and legs folded, basically providing a massive barrier to him.

I explained that nothing was going to happen between us that night, and i think he was saying without saying it that he wasnt planning on meeting me again so we should just have fun, but that fun didnt have to mean full sex.

Now obviously, that would never be an option with me anyway, if i didnt have my period i may have let things go a bit further but as it was i just told him to go home, and it got a bit kinda awkward and uncomfortable then while he rang a taxi and waited for it to come. He left about 3.45am i think.

i doubt i’ll hear from him again. He was ok, but i dont want to have to go into all the stuff about my past and abuse and stuff to explain why i was so uncomfortable with him touching me, so it wont go any further. He just thought i was uptight and weird.

The wanker said hi online from the desert this morning, but i’d gone back to bed so i couldnt respond which i’m kicking myself for now. I sent him an email but he has never in his life replied to an email so i dont know if he’ll even check it. Ho hum.