12/26/2010

 i read a few older entries and it’s like reading a stranger’s thoughts.

i read it all and i think "this isn’t me. none of this is me"

the last time i was me was before i met michael, and even then i was a little chemically unbalanced.

but i had a spark. some kind of spark. wit and liveliness, or something.

and passion.

but now, i’m the best i’ve ever been. i feel healthy and happy.

i feel like there was a huge chunk of my life that was just all bad and was never right. but i was meant to go through it to learn, i guess. my relationship with craphead was total ass from the beginning really. i was just too eager at the time for someone to make everything better. and he didn’t make anything better. he made me weak and unhappy. i didn’t know myself very well. i disappeared. i became angry on the inside. angry and desperately sad. 

it was all on the inside though. i wouldn’t let anyone know what was going on in my head. i was trapped. i wasn’t me on the inside or the outside. and my outside and inside were complete opposites. angry girl on the inside, weak spineless girl on the outside.

anyways, at the time, for some reason, even though i knew everything was SHIT, i couldnt let go. and now i see it wasn’t love. love is NOTHING like that. i didnt know how to let go.

then one day, i finally got some courage and picked up that phone. and somehow i dialed his number and waited for him to pick up. and i didnt beat around the bush. it was like it was someone else doing it. telling him i couldnt do any of it anymore. it seemed so simple, like picking up the phone and calling into work sick.  it wasn’t even 5 minutes on the phone. over 4 years and i didn’t waste time ending it. 

and then i did something else completely out of character for me. i left my room, sat next to my mom on the couch and told her everything. i told her i ended it, and everything he did to me that i could think of. i hadn’t TALKED about any of it! to anyone. not my mom, my sister or him. i had been ALONE.

but then i wasn’t anymore. i think i’d been afraid of being a failure. of being a girl who gets treated like crap by her boyfriend. i didn’t want anyone to know.

it seemed as soon as i started talking about it, i couldn’t stop. i wasn’t ashamed of any of it anymore. i wanted people to know. i’d made mistakes letting him get away with all of it, but i didn’t do anything wrong either. i didn’t deserve ANY of it. and as soon as i started talking about it, i realized it.

now i can talk about it with anyone. it happened. i learned from it. i;m stronger and better now.

i will NOT let it change me into someone who doesn’t trust or believe in love. i won’t let any of it make me a sad, bitter person.

i believe in love and magic now. i feel like myself, 100%, for the FIRST time in my life. i’m thankful for my family but most of all for nigel. he’s shown me what love is. he makes me love myself. because he loves me. he REALLY loves me. he knows me like no one else and he makes me silly and happy.

i can’t even describe my feelings for him. i literally feel like i could just burst from the happiness.

i love who i am now. i love nigel so much. i miss him more than anything. but i know we’ll be together. 

i made a new beginning in february when i broke up with michael. something made me pick up that phone. if i hadn’t, i might not have met nigel. and that thought alone kills me. but it all happened. and i’m going to start 2011 with a happy heart. i will miss nigel on new years but i love him and we’ll be together.

happiness is not overrated. not at all.