we were one tree and not two

i was just reading some really old entries..i used to write almost every day. crazy.

i can’t believe i’ve had this diary for almost four years.

i don’t regret having this diary.

so, its almost four a.m and i can’t sleep..and i’m writing this in one of my many pairs of black underwear.

michael is working until five or six so i think i’ll rape him upon his return.

i was thinking about love and i just think so many things about it are myths..

like hollywood quotes and such.

"love means never having to say you’re sorry."

that is bullshit. sometimes sorry is exactly what i need to hear. i think it needs to be said if you hurt someone.

then there is that saying that says that the right person would never hurt you or make you cry.

i have met no one in a LONG TERM relationship who hasn’t been hurt or cried because of their boyfriend.

i don’t believe in fate as much as luck. my actions led me to him and his actions led him to me..one little thing led to another, until it led to the most perfect day of my entire life. i’d never wanted anyone like him. i was drawn to him. i risked my pride and feelings.

so, i don’t believe the angels said perfect when we met. oh how i hate silly mushy sayings like that.

one major decision i made led to everything..going into subway to buy that fruitopia. and just talking to him. if i hadn’t, he probably wouldn’t have come over to me a month later after the play to talk to me..

it was plain luck. i did something i usually wouldn’t have considered.

i thank krystin for giving me a push to do something.

we aren’t always perfect, but i think we genuinely need each other..i’ll admit, sometimes i want to hit him or throw things but then i always crawl into his arms because i can’t see life without him.

i know we’ve had bad times, but we get through it. i hate thinking about all the bad times, though..

but just that first night was perfect enough to make up for everything bad thats ever happened in my life.

the truest thing about me is that i am scared to death.

i just found this quote about love and i think it explains love better than mushy quotes that only romantisize love..

"Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are.

Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two."
– Captain Corelli’s Mandolin

wow. that makes me want to read that book.

with that said, i need to plan the rape of my boyfriend.