The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly, with pictures

Good things which happened this weekend:

We were given an allotment – YES! It’s a bit of a jungle, but it’s BEAUTIFUL. We can get there in 10 minutes by bicycle and it even has a little shed. I’m so excited I could pee!

The book I’m selling on e-bay reached £8.50! I thought I’d be lucky to get £5. There are 21 people watching, and it still has a day and a half to run!

We bought Sponge Bob Square Pants Hangman game from Toy’s are Us (I refuse to write it with an ‘R’, the bad grammar is only just bearable) and the boy is strangely good at it.

Keith Vaz, MP and scumbag, is being investigated by the Met for odd payments into his bank account. He should be in jail for his dodgy expenses already. It would make my day if he got done for this.

Not so good things that happened this weekend:

The college cancelled my creative writing course, with about 12 hours notice. Thanks guys. If I don’t get a full refund I’m going to get mediaeval on someone’s bottom!

The dragon is full of cold and snot. I don’t want to talk about it.

Other stuff that happened this weekend:

The boy lost another tooth. He now has no front teeth.

I spent hours cleaning the bathroom and it is now all shiny and hygienic.

There is a fascinating study about willies published today. The research was conducted by Richard Lynn, emeritus professor of psychology at Ulster University. It seems as though he has been round the world measuring men’s knobs. Interesting work if you can get it. Sadly, the British seem to be a little under average, but the Telegraph still managed to lead on a positive point, we have bigger love-torpedoes than the French! I was a bit worried when I read that the Italians have bigger ones than the Brits. Then I remembered that my mother has always claimed her side of the family sprang from the illegitimate offspring of Giuseppe Garibaldi (Italian, obviously) so that explains my trouser anaconda!

Incidentally, this is a perfect opportunity to ask a question that has been annoying me for years. Why are penises always measured in inches? You never hear of a 15cm cock do you? It’s the same with snow. You always get snow in feet an inches. Just throwing it out there.

I just have to mention this story about a Swindon school which has insisted that parents who want to watch their kids compete in school sporting events must present a Criminal Records Bureau check. I sincerely hop e that someone loses their job over the matter. It’s absolutely unbelievable that a school should even consider that level of privacy invasion. I would be absolutely livid if my son’s school tried to pull that stunt. Apart from anything else, they aren’t allowed to enforce it and they have been condemned by just about everyone, which means they will have to reverse the decision. God these people make me so MAD!