He’s the One Eye, One I Love

My sister used to date this man with one blue eye.  He had this $600.00 contact lens that he would put in the other one to make it look more normal.  My sister was at his house by herself one day and she got curious about what she would look like with one blue eye and one Indian.  So she picks up this expensive contact lens that had been custom painted and sunshine safe and pops it into her eye. 

Over half of her sight goes away and she immediately panics.  She can’t get the damn thing out.  She doesn’t care what she would look like with a blue eye and wants the fucker out.  She calls me a half hour later bawling her eyes out.  Pun totally intended….She tells me her plight…and I kept thinking of her picking gum out of her belly button.  I go over to his house and she keeps digging at her eye bad. 

I told her that she has one red eye and one brown one….heee heee…and I tell her to lie down.  She doesn’t want me to touch her eye ball so she keeps jerking away last minute and crying even harder.  I start to get a bit frustrated…and ask her if she doesn’t want me to touch her eye ball, why did she call me?  She cries the contact lens out of her eye, to the floor.  She doesn’t want her boyfriend at the time to find out and it was pretty easy to find.  It was returned and he never found out.  They used to play air hockey together, and she’d cream him because he couldn’t see the puck that fast.  He’d get pissed and say he wasn’t going to play anymore and she put on this pirate patch and told him to shut up and play.  I wanted her girl to spend the night, so I called her.  Maybe it was to bring that up to her again.  We both had such a nice laugh.  Here she is now…married to a dweeb pregnant with her second.  She’s so adorable when she’s pregnant.

My ex….he was tortured as a young boy.   His mother told him to never fight no matter what.  Ignore it and it will go away…yeah right.  So he literally got thrown into dumpsters, knocked down stairs, slammed in lockers, beaten up just about every single day.  He hated himself for not fighting.  My mother always told me if they hit you, hit them harder.  If they call you a name, think of something 10 times worse and call them that.  It worked and still does.  But my poor ex..he got some bad advice.  He broke his leg bad once, but no one believed him.  They finally took him in and when he went back to school, the kid’s kicked his crutches out and threw his books down the hall.  He relanded on the knee and broke it all over again.  He really hated himself for not beating the hell out of every single one of them.

He was driving my car one day.  Don’t remember how the window got knocked out but it was.  There was this plastic taped to it with masking tape.  We were driving through his neighborhood and this bully of a 10 year old says "nice car" and oh boy…he was looking for a garbage can.  He screams WHAT DID YOU SAY YOU FUCKING BASTARD??  This little fucking bastard must have had an older brother that filled him in on poor ex.  The kid starts laughing at him, and so do all of his little friends.  So I start laughing at him because he was making a royal ass out of himself.  The parent comes bursting out and getting in his face and he tucked his tail between his legs and we were on our way.

There was this girl that I went to high school with, her name was really Zanya.  Close your eyes and picture what you think  a Zanya should look like….I doubt you’ll be too far off.  She was a gorilla.  She had to heathen big big big brothers and they used to FIGHT.  One time her brother Darrel slammed her head into the oven and kept slamming the door on it.  She never zonked out, just saw red.  She’d come to school and beat up men.  She would always have a crowd and she never lost a fight.  She was over 300, I was under 100.  I was walking by her swiftly in the hall way and I heard her say Bitch.  I start to shaking….I hadn’t had my ass kicked yet, and my first certainly shouldn’t be from the top.  I knew if I ran away, she might just call me a bitch every day so I get my meanest face on and whip around and say,  "Whh….Whhaddd ddiid you say?"  She smiles and walks up to me, puts her arm around my shoulders and says I was just playin.  WHEWW!

My history teacher came in on a Monday and bet the class a coke he had a worst weekend.  You could tell he wanted to tell about it.  So there’s this girl Brandy.  She raises her hand and says I’ll take that bet.  The girl behind her grabbed her hand and said you better don’t.  Brandy said they all are going to find out anyway, and begins to tell her tale.  She ate pills after school trying to kill herself.  Her parents found her and admitted her to the psyche ward and she just got out in time to make it back to class on Monday.  The teacher says yeah fine, you win and he excused himself to buy her a coke.  I wonder why his weekend was so bad. 

I thought about that becasue she was my first real fist fight besides my sister.  I don’t remember what she did to make me mad, but I remember why she was mad.  It was because I was telling everyone that she was in love with my husband.   Well, Dan back then but hubby now!  Hmm…what did she do to make me mad?  Great….I’m not typing and I’m sitting here obsessing wondering what she did first.  Well fine, I won my first real fist fight.  After my suspension, everyone tagged on Tyson to my name.  That was Sophmore year, now what did that little bitch do to me?  It was something she said about me, I just can’t remember.  Well what a horrible ending and I was on such a roll.