Indian Eyes

My Dad called me this morning.  We always have such nice chats.   I’ve got this new friend here.  We certainly started out on the wrong foot!  So we started trading insults but then they turned into banter and then communication.  I think now that we get along so nice…what would have happened if we were to stay content with insults? 

What if my Dad hadn’t pursued me after he wronged me so?

I still have a mother that hasn’t pursued me and she does this to me every single day.  12 long years now.  She has wronged me worse than my father.  I’m literally craving a mail box flag, perhaps I’ll go count them and be right back ahhhh….just kidding…but still.  It pisses me off!  I was doing much better, but then I went and had a lady.  I wanted to stay huge pregnant so I could keep her all to myself.  I thought the only fight Dan and I would have would be who got to hold her and feed her…I was WAY OFF on that one!  What I’m saying though…I loved her so so very much before I looked in her eyes.  When babies are first born, their eyes are going every which way, they can’t focus on anything.  Dan held her and gave the doctor a poke with his elbow asking, "Now….them eyes are gonna stop that right?"  She’s got huge brown Native American eyes.  Mine.

"Mother" never felt like that, not capable.  I realized that wasn’t a statement about me.  I can’t take that personally because that truly is her shortcoming.  But how dare you ignore my lady!  Isn’t that crazy?  My sister built this NICE house in an acre behind my mother’s house.  And mother’s parents live next door to her.  They haven’t contacted me in 12 years as well.  Anyway, my sister asks me to come over and see her new house.  As soon as I walk in, there’s mom sitting on the couch.  She hadn’t ever met my lady and she was about a year old.  Mom never looked up at me, acknowledged me in anyway.  But she reached her hand out to touch my daughter.  My mouth opened and she saw I was about to bite her fingers….hard.  She yelps and jerks her hand back and then the bitch looks at me.  I slap my hand over my open mouth, pick up my girl and run outside.  I walked up to her house to pick up my last mail box flag and then walk back inside.  Mom was gone, she told Rachel to let me know how very rude I was.  I just knew it was going to be so nice having sister live in her fucking back yard.

She get’s so mad at me for not letting go of the past.  Yet she drags it into my present every single visit.  My grandfather hurt me very bad very long time ago.  I told sister to never let lady near him.  That was so important to me…but she got caught.  That grandfather has hugged my little girl.  She expects me to let go of the past…but she serves it up to me every single visit.   Sister is about to give up one of her mailbox flags!

You have got to put up with some of the most ridiculous things to keep family.  Sister is worth it.  Dad is worth it.  One day perhaps I’ll be worth it to "mother".  Sister and I were in counseling and mom agreed to speak with him as long as I was not there.  She told him that she never ever had any intentions of inviting me back in her life.  He called me up after she left and told me so.   I think that was the only productive thing that came out of that counselor.  He let me know she’s broken, and she has no intentions of ever speaking with me again.  It’s been hard at times trying to be an adult without what I should have had.  I did it though…and look what I made.  A real nice home for my Indian Eyes, and I married the perfect awkward goon.