Mommy Entitlement

My girl is officially 4.  I made her 3 sets of mommy shells and she loves them dearly.  She got a bunch of paint, so she asked if she could paint a few.  Wax doesn’t paint very well, but we’ve got some colorful mommy shells.  I took her to her favorite restaurant, the greasy spoon and all of the waitresses that love her sang happy birthday.  It’s been important to me to have her as a regular in several spots.  We hit them all today.  All of these people have seen her since she was in my belly, and love her very much.  I took her to a chinese restaurant too, when I first brought her in, they all asked if they could hold the girl.  I said of course and it was a sight.  To see these pretty chinese girls all cooing and fussing over my girl, they always tell her her name in Chinese and pat her on the head.

Everyone at her party was surprised to see my dad there.  It was a big room with trampolines in the floor.  I speak to my ex step Dad, my sister does not, not his daughter, which I still do.  My Dad doesn’t speak to my mother in law, and my mother in law doesn’t like my friend John that came.  I had no idea, I was the only "adult" running and flipping and jumping in the foam pits.  I even pulled off a front flip on the trampoline.  I’m paying for all of that today, but I think deep down all of the adults watching wanted to chase me and play, be 4 again.  The kid’s loved me, and I was whining at a couple of them to give me my turn on the trampoline.  I took some pretty goofy photos and lady and I had a fine time.  I keep thinking about my mom, she should be gone to me by now, she hasn’t said a word to me in 12 years and lives five minutes down the road from me.  It’s probably because it’s my girl’s birthday, and even though we dont’ speak, towards the end of August every year I know my mom is thinking about me, on my birthday.  She had to have loved me then….right?

One of our last conversations we had, I didn’t comment on.  She told me that when I was 2, I kept hanging and clutching to her, and it was pissing her off.  Her mother handed her a fly swatter and told her to light into me a few good times with that, she’ll quit.  So…that’s what my mom did, she beat the snot out of me with a fly swatter until her mother grabbed it from her hands laughing saying oh hun!  I just said a few times hee hee….not beat the crap out of her!!  Then mother looked at me and said but ya know what….you never clung on me like that again.  I turned away and didn’t say a word, it got filed though. 

So we quit talking and 8 years later I have a two year old and man was my lady playing back pack that day.  I got a bit frustrated, and then flash…that file popped up and I sat down hard.  I looked in my angel’s face.  She was laughing about something and that face held every last thing that makes me healthy.  Her face said she adored me, had faith in me..trusted me completely without even knowing she had the option not too.  I started thinking of myself at 2.  I must have had the same face?  If I wanted to latch on to her, she must have been my friend, I must have had no fear and loved her?  I thought about what it would do to Lady if I went and got a fly swatter and lit into her today, when she was two..what would that angel face do? 

My own face crumpled completely…I must have been utterly shocked.  Horrified!  I must have thought my mommy loves me more than anyone, and she just beat me for wanting to hold her.  That had to have changed my life, our relationship…everything.  I felt so sorry for myself, so I latched onto lady.  I told her she made mommy so happy that she was crying happy tears.  How her hugs made mommys heart beat faster and how that makes mommy feel so very lucky to have her litle back pack.

She’s asked me who my mommy is.  I told her she is Aunti’s mommy, that aunt and I have the same mommy. (They are very close, so are my sister and I)  She was surprised and I told her that not everyone get’s into the right parent line, and not all mommy’s feel like mommy’s.  That we have to share this world with bad people, but they won’t be in her life.  I’ve picked a wonderful woman that just so happened to need a daughter, so we made a deal going on 8 years now.  She helps everyone all the time and everyone loves her.  I’m her only self proclaimed daughter, and that makes me feel worthy.   She is amazed and proud of the mommy I am, but I hope I would have done it without her.  I believe I would have, for raising such an elegant creature is the only way to provide the childhood you deserved, and yet create a future that doesn’t have bailing out a consideration.  I can make my heart swell with love and hurt with pain.  I can’t believe I helped make her.  She’ll never know details, or that I’ve been divorced unless she ever finds herself going through one.  I’m so Happy to Be Me and Happy Birthday Lady.