eyes wide shut

  i dont even know how to begin today…. im so mad….frustersated….just a whole lot of everything right now

 im so mad that im literally shaking (tho that may be due to the cafine charge and red line i had today).

Two nights ago i was talking to sam on the phone (after ty’s party) and she started talking about how tyler knew what happened to her car, well i ended up telling her that it was me, tyler, and ashley. She wasnt too happy. She was mainly pissed because ashley had been there and was ok doing it to her car when she got mad for sam doing it to her. Well sam went on a tirade about how ashley didnt know who the hell she was messing with and that she was gonna get ashley back good. So we started talking about it. she was talking about how she wanted to put super glue into her key lock, sugar in the gas tank, dead fish inside the car, just a ton of disgusting shit. I suggested ketchup under the door handles, it was gross but easy to clean. sammy was coming up with a whole load of bogus shit. That night i’d basically been telling sam about how mine and ashley’s friendship was deteriorating. I guess i’ve lost a lot of respect for her…i’ll go in to that later. well the entire time sam was talkin shit about her….i told sam that i was getttin mad at myself because it seemed like i was becoming 2-faced about it all. I would get pissed at ash and then act like nothing was wrong but then tell sammy what i was really feeling, well she agreed with me on how that tended to happen to both of us. its just a messed up situation to say the least. anyways…so last night we hang out with tyler and he gets it set in his head to tag ashley’s car last night. so he calls ken and we pick him up. They decide to do it and so we go to the store and tyler, sam, and ken go and buy the stuff…i didnt buy anything to mess up her car. well we’re driving around and this whole time i’m pissed to no end at ashley (maybe i shouldnt have been since it wasnt any of my business but i’ll get into that later too), we look for her car, this entire time sam and i dont want to do it. well after buying a bunch of shit to mess up her car sam has to go home. so we go back to my house and sam tells ken and tyler to take it all out of her car. so they do but tyler (like an idiot) leaves the molasses in my freakin garage. so now we have to get rid of all this stuff. well ken and tyler want to find ashley so ken calls her (he already wasnt too thrilled with her) and then he and tyler want to go to her house, this is where i have most of what is my fault, i take them. Ken throws the eggs and shit on her car and we leave and i take them home. Well, again like an idiot, they leave an empty egg carton in my car, there was shit all over my car and andy found it. My parents freaked out at me and so i told them what happend…kinda….i told them that we were all together when it happened. it kinda just popped out before i thought about it. well my mom and andy decide all this egging needs to stop so they call sams parents and tell them that she knows there had been egging going on and that she wants everyone to make sure it stops. then she calls ashleys mom and tells her she knows ashley’s car got it and that i would go over and clean it off, which ends up making it look like it was all my fault when in reality all i did was drive when sam couldnt. ofcourse no one is going to believe that but at this point i honestly cant care less. so sam ends up getting away with her "revenge", it happened like she wanted it too but she just didnt have to take responsibility for it. she’ll say she really didnt want too and that it just got out of control when in reality she just wants to cover her ass, which i guess isnt suprising due to the fact that she’s used me more times than i can count for that. now her parents think im a bad influence for "covering" for her. ashley’s dad thinks im a bad influence because ashley has made me out to be seen that way to him by having told him extremely personal things about me that she had no right to tell. which at this point i cant fix but i have now told my mom about all of her escapades.

now to the reasons i’ve been so mad and dissapointed….

 I’ve lost alot of respect for ashley lately…

 she’s basically putting herself into situations where she comes out looking like a slut. she’s been doing things with enough guys to where it looks pretty bad, considering most of them she wasnt dating. I’m trying not to pass judegement but it’s getting alot harder. It’s like shes got some kind of hole that she needs to fill. it seems like she thinks that if she gets intimate with guys that she’ll gain exceptance or that she’ll gain self confidence…. she preaches to everyone about how she wants to be pure and follow god but it seems like shes throwing all of that away. i dont understand it, i thought she had more self respect than that. and she just keeps picking the wrong guys….jc just wanted a piece of ass, ken just wanted a piece of ass (according to tyler) and the list goes on and on…. and the thing that boggles my mind is that she doesnt see it. Ken even told her he didnt want to date her…the only things i can think are that she either needs constant attention from men to feel wanted or that she’s just ok passing her body around from guy to guy….idk what to think, and im not sure its even any of my business but when some ones been your friend for so long it becomes in grained in you to care….. she constantly has to one up everyone to make her problems seem worse than anyone elses instead of just keeping her mouth shut and listening. sammy is constantly talking about this to me, the thing that i dont think she realizes is how much me and sam talk about her to each other, like how we dont understand what shes doing to her self, or this or that, sammy talks to me about her constantly…. idk at this point i havent talked to her in a long time so i guess i cant say for sure whats wrong with her but someone needs to bring this up to her. not to mention that she says she doesnt want her sister hanging out with me because im a bad influence…funny considering shes been shit faced drunk too, she’s lied to her parents about where shes going and then ends up at an extacy party and then sleeps in the same bed as a 24 yr old man that she doesnt even know, she’s been getting with random guys, she sneaks in at 2:30 am, i mean the list goes on and on, im not saying that im any better but dear lord after all of that dont then have the audacity to criticize me on my actions. she gets pissed that her car gets tagged but shes willing to tag other people, shes a walking contridiction…..i can now say all of this because at this point i dont care what she thinks she can either accept it or not i cant control it and i dont care. like i told her before, she’s conveniently unaware of her circumstances. i dont understand what her deal with ken was….he didnt want to date her but no guy would be unwilling to get a hand job if its freely offered. not only that but she completely disregarded the fact that, whether she and tyler were done or not, ken is her his best friend. i just dont see any consideration for anyone else from her.

im not even going to get started on sam because right now i dont even know what to think…. she just pisses me off, maybe that will change after i talk to her but i ca

nt really see it happening right now….