Into Dust

9:17 am
Listening to: "Into Dust" by Mazzy Star

Whenever I’m lacking a title, it’s good to know I can always steal ones from my favorite artists.

Same old story, I can’t sleep. I’m sick of drugging myself to sleep every night & waking up feeling like I haven’t really slept at all. Tonight, I figured the hell w/it. If sleep comes, it comes. I have the day off from work so I can handle having my brain be on it’s "B" game. End result: I haven’t slept. I think I’m sleeping between 25 & 35 hours/week now. My poor face is getting to look so shitty. I’m pale & have huge bags under my eyes.

At work last night, the 19 year-old that I’m training as a manager kept picking at me about my appearance. It pissed me off. He kept cracking jokes about putting my hair up nice, using hairspray, & trying not to look like I’m "pissed off all the time". I told him, "I’m a tomboy. I always sort of have been." He countered by telling me that "appearance does matter". Mmmm.. I love that someone that’s 8 years my junior & hardly been out in the world for more than a year feels the need to judge me & tell me what’s what.

I REFUSE to let society dictate my behavior outside most norms. I refuse to pancake make-up on my face everyday to please others. Even if I didn’t have a boyfriend, this would still be the case. Somehow, not slathering my face w/chemicals is a big deal to some people. I’m just sick of people looking at me & telling me what they think about how I look. I’m sooo sorry that I don’t spend hours on my hair & make-up. I’m sorry that it doesn’t take me over 30 minutes to get ready to go out somewhere.

Is it odd that I feel like dressing really girly is like cross-dressing to me? I’ve often wondered that.

Recently, I lost one of the barbells in my eyebrow in the shower. I must have been washing my face & not felt one of the balls come off it. As a result, the ball went down the drain. Anyway, I went over to Addictions & dropped $15 on a silver curved eyebrow to replace the barbell. I had some dick customer at work as me today, "Do you know you have a fish hook stuck in your face?" I just kind of looked at him. Then he said to me, "Bet you’ve never heard that one before." B/c I was annoyed, I responded w/, "Only about 100 times". I love when people act like body modification is some new thing. If they had half a brain & bothered to look into it a little, it is many, many centuries old. Not that I’m comparing myself to ancient civilizations or anything, but it’s been around a long time.

Anyway, speaking of sleep & dreams, I had a dream about Josh O. recently. I don’t even really remember what was going on in the dream. All I know is that we were at this house party in this apartment downtown. I think it was some kind of drug party or something.. I remember there being a large window w/o glass. I was looking out it & knew we were in the shitty western area of main avenue. I felt extreme sympathy for Josh.. & maybe a little empathy too. I woke up feeling sad. I don’t know, maybe it had something to do w/him getting fired from work. It was a few days after that happened. I’m bummed I don’t work w/him anymore. We had good times joking around & talking about bands & stuff.

Shaun & I got into a bit of a fight when I got off from work. He wanted to do something like a date today. He kept trying to push me to go see a movie w/him ("Black Swan", I think). I really don’t feel like sitting in a movie theater for two hours & staring at a screen. Besides, people always piss me off when I go out to see a movie. They can never shut up & their cell phones are always ringing. I told him I’d go out to Chinese w/him but it didn’t seem like that was good enough. I know he wants me to connect w/him, sit down & have lengthy conversations. But I just don’t know how.