The Sheild of my Indifference
12:36 am
Listening to: "New Ice Age" by Alpinestars
Listening to this song just makes me wish it were a warm Spring day. I wish I could be laying on top of a picnic table in a vacant park. Thinking about it, I can almost feel the sun’s warmth washed over my face. But in reality, it’s -15 outside. Spring is a long time away. As is typical for the winter, I’ve just sort of given up on sorting things out. I just don’t have the energy for it. I just want to sleep, or if I have to be awake, set my jaw & watch the clock as I busy myself w/something to pass the hours.
A perfect example of this is people talking shit to me. For the most part, I’ve just closed my mouth & let them do it w/o trying to defend myself. Normally, I don’t take shit from everyone. I guess, right now, I don’t see the point. I have my own perception of myself. Anything anyone else says about me, whether positive or negative, has little effect on altering that perception. In all ways, I feel like I walk around w/ a forcefield around me. I know it’d be better if I didn’t do this.. b/c the perceptions I have of myself are far worse than what nearly anyone could ever say to me about myself. It would be good to let the few compliments in.
I don’t even feel depressed anymore.. I just feel nothing. Complete flat affect. I’d blame the Lexapro, except that I’ve been taking it for a year & a half & I’ve never felt any indifference near to this in the time I’ve been taking the stuff.
My trainee sucks. I hate him. He’s cocky jr. son of a bitch.. shows no appreciation or respect for all the extra time & effort I put forth teaching him things. He’ll be a lousy manager. Won’t get fired though, b/c he’s the district managers nephew. Politics are everywhere, I see that now. Tonight he came up front & tried to tell me what to do. I got in his face about it for a second. Asked him, "Are you telling me how to do my job?" he said, "Yeah." I just dug into him w/my dark brown eyes & said, "Watch yourself", slammed the till drawer, & walked away. I just want to be alone.. I’m so tired of egos, needs, opinions, beliefs, everything.
My mom wants to stay at the apartment for two days around Christmas. Shaun’s mad, doesn’t want her to be here on Christmas eve. He asks me, "is that ok? If she finds somewhere else to say on Christmas eve?" I shrug. I don’t care to get into the middle of it, though I know I will be there eventually anyway. I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it.
The good thing about all the time I insist isolating myself during, I’ve been writing a lot. A lot of journaling. I’ve been trying to make myself write in my memories journal so I can maybe figure out why I am the way I am. But, just thinking about it makes me tired.
Not that I’ve been writing about it, but I’ve given up on the whole Leo thing. I don’t have the energy or heart to be the only one supporting that friendship. I think I’ve talked to him once in maybe two months. I wrote him an email a while back. He never wrote me back. I feel like everything I want to say to him is stupid. I’m trying to make my peace w/it.. I gave it a good go. I did what he asked, brought something positive to the table. I went 80% of the way, & he met me maybe 5% of the way. Thinking about it now, it makes me feel pretty sucky.. but I’ll get over it, or at least learn to live w/it.
Who was it that said that it’s amazing what you can learn to live w/? They were so right.