Shawna

Tuesday, 3:23 am
Listening to "Stuck in Here" & "Lie after Lie"  by Filter

Another late night of chain smoking & music. I give up on sleep. It seems to really only come when it’s ready.

I’m up IMing my brother through one of his tough times. I don’t mind it, even if it seems to be the same case every time we talk. I think I’m the only one who he can talk to about all this stuff.. maybe the only person who really understands the full extent of what he talks about. I’m not Biploar, but I do have a degree in Psychology, so I know a lot about the disorder (also, have bipolar mother & read up a lot on the disorder on my own time). We talk about the past & our childhood a lot too. He IS the only one I can talk to about that stuff the understands the longterm toll that it’s taken on me. Talking to him makes my heart ache. I wish we both had more power over his disorder.

On the bright side of things, I think I’ve found Shawna a permanent place to live. She’s my 17 year-old co-worker that’s been homeless for 2 or 3 months now. She’s a throwaway (as opposed to a runaway) from her home. She kept talking about sleeping in her car, so I opened up my home to her. I pretty much told her that she can stay at my place whenever she wants. She does so several times per week.

I hate the thought that she doesn’t have anywhere to go. I hate the fact that she lives out of her car, everything she owns (which is minimal), is in the trunk of her car. She reminds me of myself at that age, so I guess that’s part of what bothers me so much. Anyway, I talked to my sister. She has a spare room in her 3-bedroom apartment. Her & her boyfriend are like 3 months behind on their rent, so they could use the cash. They were supposed to get a roommate last month, but the girl backed out at the last moment.

I won’t know for sure until tomorrow. From what I hear, though, it’s pretty much good to go. So Shawna can at least stay there until next fall when she turns 18 & won’t need a co-signer to get an apartment.  Apparently, Shawna’s mother is still texting her, asking for money. Cute. Like it’s Shawna’s fault that her mom doesn’t know how to use birth control &, as a result, has like 6 other kids & can’t afford them.

My left knee is a fucking mess. It’s been aching since Thanksgiving. Throbbing after long shifts at work. It’s times like these that I curse myself for abusing painkillers. Now I’m stuck taking 500 milligrams of Aleve & trying to ignore the pain that it doesn’t relieve (which is most of it). Sad, I’m not even 30 yet & my body is already falling apart.